


Restlessness

by phantasyprone



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Not Alternate Universe, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 07:50:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11077224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantasyprone/pseuds/phantasyprone
Summary: It’s 2016 and returning from their tour a restlessness has overcome Dan and Phil. A conversation they have both been denying must be had, and decisions about their future must be made. As a silence stretches between them, Dan and Phil realise that they must confront either a beginning, or an end.Contains adult themes, and some topics that those with anxiety and depression may find distressing. This story will be added to regularly. This fic can also be found on my tumblr (phantasyprone)





	1. Chapter 1

It was morning. The metal-tasting London air drifted in cool steel-grey light into the living room. An orchestra of city traffic hummed outside and an ever-present cloud cover swayed over the streets. It was one of those mornings that had a calm busyness to it. People clad in worn suits rushed to tube stations and cars mindlessly rolled slowly along the roads in ever-reaching queues. Traffic lights monotonously changed between red, amber, green, red, amber, and so on. It was a calm rush. A stressful period of morning during which people were so bored by the quotidian of the bustle, that the hastiness had an air of peace.

Dan sat tired and sleepy on the sofa, scrolling through the eternal pages of emails and hoping that something would shock him from the grey mundanity of the October morning, yet to no avail. A lassitude clung to his limbs, weighing his body down and seeping through his thoughts until he stared absentmindedly at the still screen.

Phil returned from the kitchen to the main room, sat at the table and placed a bowl and spoon in front of him. He wished he were the kind of person to read a newspaper and gain that dignified air one might have of perusing through the financial section and umming and ahhing to himself with feigned cognation over the current state of the world stock markets. Yet neither him or Dan subscribed to any newspaper or journal which may provide him with such an antiquated ritual. No matter how much he would wish they could, gaming and manga magazines would never match this grandiose image he so wished to create. Rather than tap with half-hearted effort at his phone, he decided to stare off out of the window at the slow-moving traffic outside. He was struck with the ennui of the early day, and disheartened, glanced over at Dan.

He could tell that both Dan and himself were overcome with this heavy silence which the world outside had pressed upon them. The year had been so busy, and the memory of summer was still exuberant and scorched into their minds making the dichotomy between those warm days and this almost-cold morning stretch in metaphorical miles in their minds. Phil also realised that this stagnant state in which they both resided was inevitable for more reasons than their somewhat less-hectic schedules. They both needed a change and it was long overdue. Staying in the confines of their flat and living day to day behind the same walls had once been a comfort to both of them. However, the past year of new countries, states, and cities had left them with a wanderlust that neither had truly experienced before. Returning to their home and hibernating in pillows, blankets and box sets had been all well and good for a few weeks, yet now, with travel photographs appearing like spectres as they scrolled through hard drives and computer files, they couldn’t help but long for something different to their old routines.

The discussion of ‘what to do next’ had been dealt with by discussing future projects and videos, yet they had both purposely evaded the discussion of ‘what to do next’ with regards to their lives beyond their professions. Phil had certainly not been prepared for this restlessness which had befallen him. He had assumed that the weeks of keeping on top of his channel, and spending his down time watching TV and occasionally venturing out to see friends and family would not become weary. However, sitting in the disparate light of morning, eating the same cereal as yesterday, this frantic anxious energy clawed its way out from the tiredness which hung over him. Contemplating Dan, he could tell that this unspoken worry of things simply returning to how they had been was festering in his thoughts as well.

‘Dan,’ Phil said rather hesitantly, ‘are you OK?’

Dan didn’t look up from his computer and seemed to not be properly listening.

‘Yeh. Why?’ He responded monotonously.

Phil took a second to reply, words and sentiments evading him as he realised that he didn’t know how to explain his emotions to himself, let alone another person. He realised that he was only asking if Dan was OK in the hope that Dan would ask if he was in response. This, having not been the case, left Phil perplexed as to how to continue with whatever he was trying to say.

‘I kinda wanna do something.’

Dan continued to glare in boredom at the screen in front of him. Frustrated at the nothing that appeared before him, he finally turned his head towards Phil and brushed his fringe from his eyes.

‘What do you want to do?’ He asked.

‘I don’t know.’ Phil responded with an exasperated sigh.

Dan looked quizzically at Phil, ‘OK….’

Phil looked from Dan back at his sad bowl of cereal and swirled the spoon through the soggy food and milk. ‘I think I’m bored… but I’m really bored… of everything.’ Phil then looked up at Dan whose brow was now furrowed.

‘What, like bored of making videos? Bored of organising things?’

‘No…, I mean, I don’t know. Maybe I’m ready for a change?’ Phil responded with hesitance, looking up momentarily at Dan before returning his eyes to the sorry bowl of food in front of him.

Dan was silent for a moment. ‘What sort of change,’ he said, his voice laden with concern, ‘A change from YouTube, a change from me, a change from London?’

‘No.’ Phil responded sharply, ‘well, not a change from you, or YouTube… or London really. Maybe, like a change from what we did before the tour. And I don’t mean YouTube or anything like that, I mean… like, maybe we could go out more, or go on holiday and see somewhere new. You’ve always said you would like to travel more.’

‘Phil. We’ve literally just got back from touring America and Australia.’

‘I know, I know. I… I mean more like an actual holiday.’ Phil responded, still trying to work out what he was trying to say as the sentences rushed from his mind.

‘Phil. You really want to leave home again, just a few weeks after we’ve finally got back home after months on the road?’ Dan said in exasperation and confusion.

‘OK. Maybe not go on holiday right now. But I was thinking, like go out more in London, you know? See friends more, or go to Brighton to see PJ, or just… I don’t know… not spend every week in the flat again? Don’t you feel weird just returning back to the same stuff?’

Dan let Phil’s words sink in. In all fairness he did understand what Phil was saying. Returning back from tour had been great for a few weeks, but he could understand the feeling of restlessness and that old fear that nothing had changed and everything stays the same, even if you yourself were different. That old maxim of ‘nothing changes’ rang true. Whilst he had yearned for the comfort of home whilst he was away, something was different now that they had returned, or more specifically, he was different. London was still it’s same, busy, grey self, but he felt like a stranger to the familiar streets he knew so well. He felt like an old friend, returning to find the same buildings, the same girl at the checkout counter in the supermarket, the same postman rudely awakening him with post, the same everything. And this once comforting feeling now enlightened him to the ever-present worry that perhaps nothing changing was worse than everything changing. The life of the habitually unchanging man lacked the danger of things going wrong, however it also lacked the excitement of knowing that anything could be over the horizon. The horizon had never changed as he had never really moved from the same flat. Now that they had both seen what had always lay over in the distance, he was now uncomfortable living within this city’s parameters aware of what lies beyond its boundaries.

After some thought Dan said, ‘I know what you mean. But now that we’re back, and there’s still lots to do here, I don’t really see the option of, I don’t know, taking a break or going somewhere else for a bit?’

Phil looked despondent. Dan noted that the morning light added a fragility to Phil’s complexion. It was even as though his expression were stuttering. There had been very few moments during which they both weren’t on the same page. Although this time it felt like they were, but Dan didn’t want to admit that. Any miscommunication between them could normally be laughed off after Dan had admitted to himself that he was being as stubborn as Phil. Their similarities could create havoc at times, like two dark clouds colliding creating flashes of lightening until the tension dissipated and left clear azure skies.

‘Yeh. I know.’ Phil said dejectedly, before attempting a half-smile at Dan, then rising from his chair and taking his unfinished bowl of cereal to the kitchen.

Dan was left in the silence. Concerned and shaken by the conversation he continued staring at the table where Phil had been sitting. He could guess at what Phil was also implying within his sentences. It was the conversation that neither of them touched upon when sober. Sometimes when returning back to the flat slightly drunk from the occasional night out they would discuss with un-lived nostalgia of a time when they wouldn’t have to worry with the burden of hiding certain parts of themselves from the world. Yet these drunken sentiments had now been so confined to these unclear and tipsy times that this conversation now seemed inappropriate, or out-of-bounds in a harsh sober reality. Looking out of the window Dan realised why the city seemed so closed-in all of a sudden. Their flat, and the private comfort which it brings them had now become an all too clear metaphor for the emotional restrictions they were placing upon themselves. When Phil had said that he wanted to go out more and do more things, Dan realised that he was probably referring to those places that they would not go, or things they would not plan to do, in fear that it would give off the wrong, or really right, impression to anyone who saw them. These constrictions had never really bothered either of them too much before, yet now the excuses of old seemed like far-fetched mitigations that no longer rang true to their circumstances.

*                            *                           *

Phil sat in his room trying to watch an anime series. He knew that he shouldn’t be watching it without Dan but this small defiance against the unspoken rules of their relationship made him feel as though he was gaining some sort of control back. The years of hiding their relationship from various people in their lives had left both of them unable to work out whose decision it had been in the first place. They had both walked out into the forest and at some point thrown away the map amidst arguments about being found straying from the footpath. There had been times when one of them would insist on finding their way back, but now, years down the line and the dark corners of the forest closing in on them, neither Dan nor Phil could remember who had instigated throwing away the compass and map. Whilst the stars had allowed them to remain unlost, Phil now wanted them both to walk through daylight out from the woodland they had become so familiar with.

Phil knew that there had been times when the decision to keep this secret had been more his idea. Yet he also knew that Dan had implemented their secret with fervour, and a protective anger that had been hard for him to forget. His own quiet resolute had paled in comparison to the extremity with which Dan had protected them from the world. He supposed that it was Dan’s unyielding defiance which had stopped him bringing the subject up in recent years.

Phil was also aware that the decision to reveal their relationship to everyone may create a stronger backlash towards Dan. He himself had dealt with any close-calls with silence, ignoring any questions that would call for him to lie if answered. Dan, on the other hand, had said anything in past years to protect his own, and Phil’s privacy. Dan’s not-so-subtle hints of late were probably him mentally preparing for the future, however Phil knew that some viewers of their channels may not let his past go unanswered; and that was Dan’s biggest fear. A man whose every thought wishes to live unbounded in the present and dream in the future feared the half-reality that his life was a camera focusing its lens on the past. Phil had been older when he started to become well known, his personality had been more concretized and the changes to his conceit had been subtle. Dan was young and unsure of himself when he turned the camera on for the first time. Even during his surge in popularity he had still been finding his feet, constantly tightrope walking along a cliff edge, shaking between stability and chaos.

Phil sighed heavily and paused the programme he had been watching. He stared aimlessly around his room, trying to clear his heavy thoughts with distraction, or a stability which he hoped to find in the physical personality he had manifested within the objects in his room. As his eyes were flitting over the bookshelf, he heard a quiet tap on his bedroom door. Without waiting for an answer, Dan softly opened the door, gave him a half-smile, and sat on the edge of his bed.

Dan noted that Phil was fidgety. He clasped his hands together, fingers strangely entwined like no one else could without being uncomfortable. Although to others Phil’s body language appeared eternally awkward as though it were continuously confessing his discomfort, Dan could tell the difference between Phil’s normal awkward posture and the times when he really did feel uncomfortable. Both of them sat in silence, not knowing how to continue the earlier conversation. Dan kind of wished that he had brought in a coffee for Phil, to provide him with an excuse to talk to him. With empty hands Dan knew that there could be no way of dismissing the real reason why he had come in.

‘You’re right… We do need to talk about this properly.’ Dan announced quietly.

‘I didn’t say we needed to talk about anything,’ Phil responded tentatively, looking down at his clasped hands, resting between his knees.

Dan wondered what to say. Normally these moments of miscommunication and silence could be easily dealt with, or he would just walk out hurriedly and refuse their existence. This time, he knew that neither of them could shy away from this. Unconsciously Dan placed his hand on Phil’s leg, trying to find some reassurance in the man who had always provided him with rational answers when he was left bereft of realisations of his own.

‘Is this really about going on holiday, or whatever else you were suggesting, or is this actually about us… and… letting people know… like… about us.’ Dan finally said.

Phil looked up at Dan with an expression of hurt of exhaustion. Sighing he replied, ‘I don’t know… I… I think so?’

Dan nodded slightly, meeting Phil’s eyes. ‘OK. Yeh. That’s what I thought.’

‘But… but it’s fine if you don’t want to. I don’t even know why I feel as though I want to right now,’ Phil raised his hands to his face and rubbed his forehead in exasperation, ‘ergh, I just don’t know, Dan.’

Dan got up off the bed, crawled beside Phil and placed both arms around him. Phil’s head was still in his hands, his body bent over as though he were protecting himself from the world around him.

‘Talk to me,’ Dan said quietly, trying to whisper the words through the cocoon of limbs Phil had entwined around himself.

After a short silence Phil whispered with uncertainty, ‘I’m scared you’ll get scared. I’m scared that you’ll wonder if it’s the right decision. I’m scared that we won’t be able to take it back… I’m scared that it will change everything and you’ll be angry if it was my decision.’ Phil exhaled sharply as the last of his sentiments were uttered.

Dan subconsciously loosened his embrace as he dealt with the shock that Phil’s words had left him with. Dan realised that this one conversation had created so many unspoken sentences, so many silenced thoughts, so many repressed words.

‘Phil,’ Dan responded calmly, tightening his hold around Phil once more, ‘I wouldn’t be angry with you.’

Dan realised now that these years of refraining from having this conversation had left a space between them that would take more than one assurance to mend. Dan hugged Phil even tighter until Phil untangled himself and turned his face into Dan’s t-shirt. They both clung to each other, trying to pretend that their physical closeness could mask the swathes of emotional distance which now lay before them both.


	2. Chapter II

Phil buried his face deeper into the thin cotton of Dan’s t-shirt as he wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist. Phil’s thoughts blurred and the novels of words he felt as though he needed to say deconstructed within his mind, leaving him whispering in paratactic utterances only the most important word, ‘Dan… Dan… Dan.’

Phil’s sight was blinkered, blackening around its peripheries and focusing in the centre at the grey haze of fine material which covered Dan’s body. He could feel Dan’s cheeks nuzzle and borrow into his black hair. He could only focus on Dan’s arms clinging to him and roughly tracing over his body as if he were trying to read Phil’s thoughts through his freckles which read like brail. Everything around them faded into a distant reality until they were left with nothing but each other. As they felt their way through the distance between them, grasping at each other’s bodies and trying to find answers to questions they had not yet asked, a feeling of intensity gripped them. Epistemological needs for truth disappeared in the aether around them, giving rise to an ontology whose answers lay solely in each other. 

Dan moved his hands over Phil’s back, becoming more fervent with each caress. This embrace which was once comforting became a closeness imbued with passion and heartache. Dan ran his hand through Phil’s hair, then gripped his hand gently around the back of Phil’s neck and raised his face to meet his. Dan couldn’t open his eyes. He didn’t want to see if there was any pain in the eyes of the man that he loved more than the world. Phil had become Dan’s world, and the thought that earthquakes were running below the earth and shattering the peace he lived in, made Dan feel like his world was crashing down around him. He focused on their lips as they met and hastily kissed with desire. He focused on his hands running over Phil’s body and gripping tightly around his waist. He focused on the feeling of Phil underneath him as he placed his leg over Phil’s and felt Phil’s body relax. Phil’s hands entwined through his hair and pressed down into his skin as they moved down his back. As Dan heard Phil inhale, his breath sharply breathing in the scent of desire that swam around their bodies, Dan finally let go of everything, giving in to the pure emotion that had become everything around him. 

Phil danced his hands under Dan’s t-shirt, feeling the warm skin beneath and pressing into every muscle and vertebrae on his back. As Dan kissed and bit at his neck and then collarbone, he lifted Dan’s shirt over his head and removed his own. He pulled Dan down towards him and rolled them both over. Kissing him, he pressed his bare torso onto Dan’s, trying to feel every inch of him underneath him, willing him to be everything, willing Dan to become everything, willing Dan to be all that he would ever need. As he fumbled at Dan’s belt, then undid his own and returned to lick at Dan’s tongue and bite at his lip, Phil couldn’t help but realise that this felt different. There was an anxious need to feel every inch of him, as though this may be the last time. It wasn’t sex to try and reconnect; this had an air of sadness, an air of never wanting to let go in case he may never touch him again. 

Everything in Dan’s body screamed for more. Unbridled passion and a complete and overwhelming urgency overtook him. He pushed his jeans down and kicked them of his legs, then tore his socks from his feet and flung them from the bed. He hooked his feet over Phil’s back and inhaled sharply as he felt Phil inside him. They both paused and for the first time Dan looked into his eyes. He traced his fingers down the side of Phil’s face and brushed his hair to the side. As the urgency subsided, a calm washed over them. As he had feared, there was a pain that lay behind Phil’s black irises. There was an ocean of worries that muddied the blue pools. This was the eye of the storm. They had always been here, watching the tornado spin around their bodies but leaving them unhurt in the centre. It was just them and they hadn’t cared if there was havoc being wreaked on the planet around them. Their bodies rolled together as everything ceased to exist.

  *                                 *                                 *

Dan woke up at midday to the comforting feeling of Phil’s body beside him. For a moment, everything was peaceful and nothing mattered. His thoughts then drifted to the morning and a grey feeling of heaviness settled over him. He stared up at the blank ceiling above and exhaled, trying to breathe out the unease. He could hear that the traffic from the morning rush hour had subsided outside. The hazy grey morning had rolled into a hazy midday, and the quiet tapping of rain could be heard on the window pane. Dan wished that they could go back to yesterday when they were both pretending that everything was OK. They had passed the point of no return and the conversations that needed to be had were constantly flashing like hazard lights in every space of the room. Dan squeezed his eyes closed and rolled his body into Phil’s, snuggling his head into the space between them. His movement awoke Phil, who slowly opened his eyes and took a second to realise himself that this wasn’t any old day. 

No words were spoken for a while. Neither of them knew what to say. The earlier attempt to talk it through had failed, and now there was nothing left to do but deal with it. 

‘So what do we do now?’ Phil said hesitantly.

Dan rolled onto his chest and looked up at Phil, before deciding that maybe this conversation was best had not looking into his eyes and seeing the responses before Phil had said a word. Dan moved onto his back and returned his eyes to the ceiling. 

‘I think you’re right… maybe it’s time.’ 

Phil was reticent to answer. He knew that both of them had to make this decision equally. His unsurety at whether Dan had ever wanted to let people know was so strong that Dan would need to convince him beyond doubt that he wanted this as well.

‘I… I don’t want you to say that just because you think I want you to,’ Phil said.

‘No. I want to. I just know that there’ll be an absolute shitstorm once we confirm it.’ Dan responded, sighing.

‘It might be OK. Lots of people might actually be happy for us.’

‘I’m sure some people will. But then you don’t have to drag up loads of shit you said about it.’ Dan said, still staring defiantly at the ceiling above.

‘Yeh, but you don’t have to talk about all that stuff. We were going through some stuff then, and I’m sure people will just assume that you weren’t ready.’ Phil said, trying to reassure Dan.

‘But they’ll expect us to talk more about it. It’s not like we can just say, “hey, b t dubs guys, hashtag Phan is real” and just expect some of them to not go completely crazy.’ Dan responded in a tone infused with more than a hint of sarcasm. Dan hated admitting that he was aware of the impact he had on people who watched his videos. He always thought it made him sound egotistical and ruined the carefully formed opinion of himself that he wasn’t anything special.

‘Maybe it’ll be ok. We could, I dunno, like say that we don’t really want to talk about it… unless you do want to talk about it more?’ Phil said.

‘Erm… why, do you?’

Phil was silent for a moment, wondering what he thought and how to respond. ‘I don’t know… maybe? It’d be nice to not worry so much with editing, and be more open about it… it’s not like I want my channel to just turn into stuff about us, but… sometimes I want to say stuff about my life but can’t because it would basically out me, and us. Also because I’ve never really hinted at anything about who I like, or at least I haven’t in recent years, I don’t know how much longer I can just talk about the same stuff… ergh, I don’t know. Maybe I want to change stuff a bit, or talk about different things, but I don’t think I can because then it would draw attention to all the stuff that I don’t say.’

Dan turned over and looked up at Phil. He was staring in front of him, with the hint of a frown playing at his expression. Dan wanted to kiss him. He wanted to make all the worry fade away, but he knew that this wouldn’t go away until a decision had been made. Phil was normally so sure of his decisions, but when it came to Dan, when it came to them, he never really voiced his opinions. The mundane arguments about the house, or Dan forgetting to call him back, or when Dan would say something stupid when he was angry; those arguments were easy to sort out. This was too big to brush under the rug, and he knew that there was something else Phil wasn’t saying.

‘Why are you so scared to talk to me about this?’ Dan asked.

Phil continued staring in front of him, then shut his eyes and prepared his words carefully because he knew that he could never take them back. ‘Do you not want to tell people because you’re worried we’ll break up?’ Phil said hurriedly.

‘What?’ Dan replied with shock.

Phil exhaled and looked up at the ceiling, knowing that Dan was now watching him. ‘When we talked about this years ago, you said it wouldn’t be a good idea to tell everyone because if we broke up it would be awful… but it’s been a while since then, and now that you still don’t want to tell people… does that mean that you’re still worried we’ll split up?’ Phil rushed through his words, stopped for a second, then continued. ‘Because I don’t think that that could happen anymore… we’ve been together for ages and I just don’t see that happening which is why I’m not scared anymore if people know. But if you’re still worried that we’ll break up… I… erm… does that mean that you really think it might happen, like, that we will.’

Dan was taken aback. It was true, when they had been together and realised that their channels were growing, they were worried a break up would play out in front of the masses online. It had happened to friends of theirs and they knew that it may harm how people saw them. Fans may take sides and it could get messy. But not for a second did Dan now think that was a possibility they would break up. Actually, there were times when he couldn’t bring himself to understand why Phil put up with him, even now. But he had always assumed that these doubts would pass quickly. He couldn’t imagine a life without Phil.

Dan looked at Phil, looked at him properly trying to read his expression. There was such sadness in Phil’s eyes, a sadness he had rarely seen and hardly ever seen because of something he himself had done. That pained look was reserved for a bereavement in the family, or when one of his fucking houseplants started dying. It took Dan a moment to really realise what Phil was implying. It wasn’t that Phil thought he would break up with Dan, it was that he thought that there was a possibility that Dan would break up with Phil. They had never properly spoken about it, but Dan knew that Phil thought that there were people in their lives who wanted Dan to be with them instead. Phil never took much notice of his own fans’ adoration of how good looking he was, and would always brush it off and say they were probably being ironic. However, the comments and tumblr posts about Dan being fancied by his followers had left Phil wondering if he really was good enough. When they had first got together, Phil was well known on YouTube and Dan was just starting out. With Dan’s increase in popularity he had sometimes wondered if Phil worried that Dan would now leave him. It was a far cry from the days when Dan would always worry if he would ever be good enough for Phil, now the tables had turned. It was upsetting to know that no matter how many times per day he would tell Phil how great he was, that somewhere within him he thought that he wasn’t. 

‘You know that I would never break up with you, right?’ Dan said tentatively.

A pained expression flashed across Phil’s face. Dan sat up and grabbed Phil’s face, angling it towards him and repeated, ‘I would never break up with you.’

Phil stared at Dan trying to hide his emotions. He tried to believe him, but the fear that one day Dan would realise that there were so many other better people in the world and then leave him had been festering in his mind for a few years now, maybe even since the beginning. 

‘Phil, why would you think that I would?’ Dan continued, getting agitated.

Phil, again, didn’t know how to respond. ‘Dan, I know you hate people saying it, but you could be with anyone. People love you… you could be with literally anyone else.’

‘But I want to be with you! Is this what this is about? You thinking I’ll leave you?! No one else knows me, Phil, not really. I can do everything with you, we like all the same things, we want the same things from life, you put up with all the shit that I do. You loved me even when I was young, and an absolute twat, and was a shit boyfriend. You were the one who told me not to change who I was and let me be who I wanted to be. I’d be a fucking mess if it wasn’t for you. You literally saved my life. So no, I’m not ever going to break up with you.’ Dan was almost shouting at Phil, spitting his words with insistence to try and force their meaning as much as he could.

‘But you aren’t indebted to me, Dan! We’ve both changed and if you want to be with someone else in the future, I can understand that.’ Phil said with dejection.

‘You could understand that?! You could understand that?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’d be OK if one day I turned around and said, “Hey, Phil. I’ve found someone better, someone better than the person I want to spend every day with and be with all the time and who knows me better and loves me better than anyone else in the world.” You can understand that?!’ Dan pulled away from Phil and sat back on the bed. Phil bent his knees and clasped his hands together.

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ He said quietly.

Dan flung his hands into the air in exasperation. ‘Phil,’ he said with insistence, ‘there is no fucking way in hell that I’m ever going to break up with you. This, this is it. You and me, this is it. You have to believe me… and no, the reason why I wasn’t sure about telling everyone about us isn’t to do with me worrying we’ll break up. Not anymore, and that hasn’t been the reason for a long time, yeh, maybe in the beginning but not now. It was more about the fact that we were doing presenting on TV and the radio, and that kind of stuff was making me worried that if we said we were together we would lose those opportunities. But now, I don’t care. Fine if people don’t hire us, I don’t care if I lose some subscribers. At the end of the day, this whole not telling people situation is causing more problems than benefits now, so we should tell people.’

Phil looked up at Dan, who was now calming down. He did believe him when he said he wouldn’t end it, but Phil knew that the worry about that was probably more down to his confidence issues than anything Dan did. And it made sense about the professional worries. Phil had also wondered what the effect them coming out would have to their careers, but now that the tour was over and they could both think about changing up what they were doing, Phil knew that it was the right time.

‘OK.’ Phil said with a smile. ‘Yep. OK.’


	3. Chapter III

Dan sat in his room at his desk, biting the end of a pen and gazing ahead of him. He would feel rushes of anxiety about his and Phil’s decision, followed quickly by excitement at what it would mean. He wanted to talk to someone, to get a second opinion but wasn’t sure who to call. His parents would probably just agree with him, be completely supportive, and perhaps ask if he was sure. He needed to hear from someone who would be brutally honest. He picked up his phone and spun it in circles, holding it between his thumb and first finger. Sighing, he unlocked it and scrolled through his contact list. Phil had gone out to get some food from the shop, so this was the best time to talk to someone openly without his fears being heard by Phil. The earlier conversation had cleared the air almost entirely, and he didn’t want Phil thinking that he was worrying about the decision. He knew that this is what he wanted, but he needed to run the idea by someone else to make sure. He had learnt the hard way that making rash decisions normally didn’t end well; especially when he was the one making those decisions. Phil would always stop and think something through properly before doing anything and watch Dan fuck up entirely when he himself didn’t think things through. Dan had now learnt to be calmer and not let his emotions get the best of him when doing things. The calm way in which Phil dealt with various things was both of amazement and exasperation to him. Whilst Dan knew that stopping and thinking was probably a good idea, he sometimes perceived Phil as shutting down and blocking him out. Dan sometimes wanted Phil to rush into something blindly and be carefree about the consequences. If he did that, it would be easier to get an immediate sense of how Phil felt. Yet, normally Phil would quietly think through everything and then let Dan know how he felt. Only when he was really excited, or in those few moments when they were together and completely free of all worries, would Phil make stupid decisions and get them both into trouble. Dan loved those moments, it was like seeing how Phil might have been when he was a kid, giddy and free of all worries about the future. 

Dan finally settled on who to call, pressed ring, and held his phone to his ear and listening to it ringing with mild trepidation.

‘Hey man, how are you doing?’ PJ greeted.

‘Hey, I’m good. How are things with you?’ Dan said, smiling at hearing PJ’s voice. PJ was one of those guys with whom you felt completely calm almost instantly. He made everyone around him feel as though the world was kind, and everything would be OK.

‘Yeh, not too bad thanks. I’ve been trying to film a fucking crafts video again, bad idea. I’ve spent the past hour trying to get glue from my glue gun off my carpet.’ Dan could hear the smile in PJ’s voice and imagined him running around his flat in Brighton trying to find anything to clean it up.

Dan laughed. ‘And that is why I only make crafting videos once a year.’

‘Well maybe we should do a collab in April, I could show you and Phil how it’s done.’ PJ taunted.

‘No no no. We’re too high tech for you. You couldn’t handle our experience in crafting.’ 

‘Sure. Sure.’

After a short pause in conversation Dan said, ‘So… I wanted to run a decision me and Phil have made by you. Just wanted to get a second opinion… from someone who also does YouTube.’

‘OK…’ PJ said in a drawn out tone.

‘So… me and Phil have decided to… kinda go public with the whole me and Phil thing.’ Dan said, and winced waiting for the response.

‘Fuck. OK. Cool. Good for you, I mean not that it wasn’t good before… what am I saying… Yep. Great.’ PJ said, obviously slightly taken aback.

‘Do you think it’s a good idea?’ Dan asked.

‘Well do you think it’s the right time?’ PJ said. A more serious tone could now be heard in his voice. Dan often thought that PJ could flit between being incredibly silly, and then incredibly thoughtful in a breath.

‘Yeh, we do. We had a long discussion about it this morning, and decided that hiding it was probably doing more harm than good, ya know.’

PJ paused in thought before answering, ‘Well then, sounds like it’s a good idea. And you were going to have to talk about it at some point, or you’d get caught out in a vlog at a convention. To be honest, mate, it’s a fucking miracle that hasn’t happened already. I assumed you would get drunk one night and just announce it on twitter.’

Dan laughed. ‘Yeh, well Phil sometimes steals my phone because not gonna lie, that’s almost happened a few times.’

‘So are you worried about it? If we’re being honest, a good ninety per cent of your fan base will implode with happiness. You may break tumblr.’

Dan smiled. ‘Yeh. I think we’ll need to not scroll through tumblr or our YouTube comments for a few days.’

‘Ahhh, it’s cute that you think it’ll blow over in a few days.’ PJ teased him. ‘So how are you planning on telling people.’

‘I don’t know. I’ll have to talk through it with Phil later. Do you think it will, I don’t know, be a bad decision with regards to, like what we want to do in the future?’ Dan asked.

PJ paused for thought before responding, ‘I don’t think so. You guys have such a big fan base, I wouldn’t think it would change anything. It might actually help. I know that isn’t a factor in this, but it’s something to consider if you’re worried about it? And it shouldn’t change anything you guys want to do outside of YouTube. I mean, if it doesn’t hurt your channels, which I’m sure it won’t, people can hardly say that they don’t want to hire you for stuff like with the BBC just because you’re together. And also, mate, it’s not like the BBC didn’t know you guys were together. Just because everyone else knows, it shouldn’t make a difference.’ 

Dan let PJ’s words sink in. What he had said was reassuring, and he was right. Although neither of them had specifically told the people who ran the BBC about them, they had told the people who worked on their shows and the other presenters. It needed to happen for when they went to awards shows, had a few glasses of wine afterwards, and stopped being as vigilant about how they were perceived in front of other people. 

Nick Grimshaw had downright asked them both after only a few weeks of him knowing them. He had simply turned to them and said in drawn out, Northern tones, ‘you’re together right? You must be,’ which had taken them both by surprise at being asked so bluntly. But they had both shyly smiled and admitted that they were. Scott Mills after finding out, would constantly tease them about how cute they looked together and bask in the embarrassment which he knew it brought them. 

‘You’re right.’ Dan said to PJ. Hearing the door downstairs open and Phil returning Dan quickly said, ‘Thanks, I needed to hear that. Phil’s got back now so I should go. Speak soon.’

‘No worries at all. Tell Phil I said hi, and let me know when you tell people so that I can get some popcorn and watch the shitstorm unfold.’

Dan laughed and responded, ‘Will do. Bye.’ Then hung up.

Dan got up and walked into the hall. He silently took one of the shopping bags from Phil and carried it into the kitchen. Placing it on a counter he turned and watched Phil. The tension from earlier had completely dissipated, leaving both peace and a nervous excitement at what was to follow. He watched as Phil started unpacking packages of pasta and tins of sauce from the bags and placing them in their correct cupboards. He watched with a smile as Phil almost dropped a few things and place various items to the side to use for dinner. Once everything was unpacked and placed away, Phil turned to Dan and caught him watching.

‘What?’ Phil said smiling and suddenly standing awkwardly, wondering why he was being watched so carefully.

‘Nothing.’ Dan responded with a grin. ‘What are you thinking for dinner?’

‘Erm..’ Phil said, turning to look at the items left on the counter, ‘pasta, with red peppers and tomato sauce?’ 

‘Sounds good.’ Dan walked up to Phil, wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and kissed him briefly, then moved his head back to look at Phil and smile.

Phil glared his eyes at Dan and smiled in confusion and playful mistrust. ‘What…’

‘Nothing. I completely love you.’ Dan said with a smirk.

Phil blushed and looked away. He bit his lip, trying to hide his embarrassment and joy at the sudden sentiment.

‘Good to know.’ Phil said, and turned and walked to the kettle to fill it with water.

Dan was left standing on the other side of the kitchen, and glanced over at Phil, a smirk playing across his face. ‘You’re not going to say anything else back huh?’ Dan taunted.

Phil put water in the kettle and placed it back on its holder and turned it on. Still facing the kettle and turned away from Dan he said, ‘what am I supposed to say back?’

Dan laughed quietly and replied with in a feigned whinny voice, ‘You don’t love me too?’

‘Oh my god, Dan. Stop. Start cutting the peppers.’

Dan laughed and fetched the peppers out of the fridge, got a knife and chopping board, and began cutting them. 

‘So…’ Dan said, ‘this whole telling everyone thing… how exactly were you thinking we should do that?’

‘I don’t know,’ Phil replied whilst busying himself with making the pasta. ‘A video? A photo?’

‘I was thinking that we should write a heavily suggestive tweet, let everyone go crazy for a day, and then confirm it.’ Dan said jokingly.

‘Daaaaan, we’re not going to play with people’s emotions. And there’s no way that we’re using bloody twitter.’

‘Naww, I thought twitter would be the perfect, very romantic, super classy way to deal with this.’ Dan mocked.

‘Dan. Come up with a real solution or I’ll only make enough pasta for me.’ Phil jested.

‘Fine. Well, I could imagine that making a video would be seriously cringe. So maybe post a photo of us with a caption that kind of says it… although that means we would have to use twitter… actually no, because guys in bands follow me on twitter and that could be seriously cringe.’

‘Dan, you post cringe tweets daily.’

‘True. Maybe I should just delete twitter.’

‘It might be best for us all. OK, so a video.’ Phil said, trying to get the conversation back on track.

‘Yeh… I suppose… but Phil, just imagine filming that. We will both literally die of cringe just sitting in front of a camera and telling people.’

‘But that’s where our audience is.’ Phil said and looked at Dan, now having placed the pasta in a saucepan to cook.

‘Well, maybe we could do a tumblr post and be all Frank Ocean about it?’

‘I think we should make a video.’ Phil said decidedly, knowing that Dan could now easily go off on a rant about Frank Ocean for the next hour.

‘Eerggh. Fiiinnee. But I’m telling you now, it will take ages to film because I will be leaving the room every minute to vomit from how cheesy it will be.’


	4. Chapter IV

It was the next afternoon. They had both woken up late and sorted through emails. Dan had a shower, got dressed, and found Phil in his bedroom having set up his camera and lighting equipment. 

Phil looked up at Dan over his laptop and gave him a half-smile. Dan looked pointedly at the equipment set up, then back at Phil. 

‘So… this is happening.’ Dan said.

Phil closed his laptop and looked over at the equipment. ‘Yeh. I suppose it is.’ He then glanced at Dan, worry flashing across his face. ‘Are you sure about this?’ Phil asked.

Dan sighed then said, ‘Yep. I mean, it was going to have to happen at some point or other.’ He then sat down on the bed next to Phil and continued, ‘so… how are we going to do this… are we going to plan what to say… or just turn the camera on, talk, and edit the mess that will inevitably be recorded?’

Phil brushed his fingers through his fringe, correcting any hairs that were out of place. ‘I think we should probably discuss kinda what we’re going to say.’

‘We could just do a two second video of us saying “Phan is real”’? Dan said with a smile.

‘Daaaaaan, we’re not doing that. We have to give… well… some sort of explanation.’

‘I’m not explaining myself to people!’

‘No… I didn’t mean explain… I meant, I don’t know… we just have to say more than that.’ Phil said with an unsureity in his voice.

‘Fiiiine.’ Dan responded with exaggerated annoyance. ‘We’ll just say that we’ve been keeping a secret, but it’s time to let our fans know, blah blah blah.’

Phil looked worriedly at Dan, but nodded. ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re actually going to do this.’

‘Well… it’s happening. So just fucking turn the camera on and let’s get this over with.’

Phil turned on the camera, checked his fringe, then turned to Dan and smiled. He then breathed out in a long sigh, and lifted his head to look into the camera.

‘Hi guys … this video is going to be slightly… different from normal.’ Phil said with confidence, relying on the ability for him to easily speak into a camera.

‘Hi’, Dan said, ‘yeh, so… we’ve been keeping something from you guys, I know, NOT ANOTHER SECRET, WHAT ARE THEY HIDING! Well… wait, no, oh my god, Phil, I literally can’t do this,’ Dan said through a pained laugh, closing his eyes and holding one hand over his face to try to hide how embarrassed he felt.

Phil rolled his eyes and said, ‘OK. I’ll say it. So… there’s been a bit of speculation about me and Dan…’

‘… a bit…’ Dan interrupted sarcastically.

Phil gave him a glance sideways then continued, ‘and it has gotten to the stage where we feel as though… it’s the right time to talk about this… So… erm… we’re together.’ Phil winced as the final words left his mouth, then looked over at Dan for reassurance. Dan was still holding his face in his hand and refusing to look at the camera.

He finally looked up, and said, ‘yeh… so we didn’t want to tell you guys until now to protect our privacy, which by the way, we still want to have. This isn’t us saying that we’ll now talk about our relationship all the time… we just felt as though we were going to need to talk about it sometime… so yeh. By the way, I’m not cringing because I’m not taking this seriously because I am, it’s just really really strange talking about this in front of a camera.’

Phil didn’t say anything because he couldn’t work out what to say next, then switched off the camera and turned to Dan. ‘We can’t leave it at that. We’re going to have to say something else. It would be better to just get everything out the way then hopefully we won’t have to speak about it again like this?’

‘I literally can’t just sit here without planning anything and say stuff about us.’ 

An idea sprang into Phil’s mind and he excitedly said, ‘OK, I have an idea.’ Then left the room quickly, leaving Dan confused and annoyed at the sudden announcement with absolutely no other details.

Phil returned to the room with some small pieces of paper, two magazines, and two pens. ‘OK. So, we should write down questions for each other that people might want to know the answers to, then answer them. 

‘Ermm… OK.’ Dan said, still slightly confused. He took some pieces of paper, a magazine to lean on, and a pen. Phil sat down beside him on his bed, crossed his legs and began writing. 

‘So first question I’ll write is, how long have we been together. Then you can answer 2009. I think we should keep the responses short… so like, just give enough information, but not too much.’

‘OK…’

They wrote out a few questions for each other and then discussed how each would answer, before turning the camera back on again.

‘So, I thought a good way to talk about this would be to write some questions for each other and then answer them. So first question, how did we meet?’

‘Well, as many of our followers know, I was a massive stalker and met you online.’ Dan said monotonously with a tone of self-deprecation. 

Phil concealed a smile then continued, ‘so how long have we been together?’

‘Since 2009. Literally, where has the time gone. OK, I’ve got one for you. Why didn’t you want to let your audience know?’

‘Well, as you said before, it was to protect our privacy. Also we were worried that if we split up everyone would know and it would make people feel involved in our relationship and it could get messy.’

‘So why is now the right time?’

‘Well… we’re pretty confident that we’re not going to break up, and it’s doing more harm than good still keeping it a secret. So the next question, there were times when you would deny it… so like, why?’

‘Well, again it was a thing with the privacy. I felt at times that I wanted to stop being asked about it, and like once you lie about it once, you can’t really go back. And final question; will saying this change anything to do with your channel?’

‘No, not really. I’m still going to create the content that’s along the same lines as I always have done, but it just means that I may be able to talk more openly about other things.’ 

Phil looked over to Dan, who was smiling at him. Dan then looked back to the camera and said in a calm tone with a smile, ‘Right, well thank god that’s over. I hope you all don’t freak out. This doesn’t change anything. Everything is fine. Let’s just be nice… bye.’

‘Bye.’ Phil then turned off the camera and exhaled. Dan rolled back on the bed laughing and covering his face with his hands.

‘Oh my god, I can’t believe we just did that,’ he said through muffled laughs. 

Phil just smiled in silence. As cliché as it was to think, he really did feel as though a weight was lifted from him. He had worried about filming this ever since they had decided to do it, and now that it was over, he realised how easy it actually was. So many times in life he had put something off, whether it be an email or simply going outside, but then after he had completed the task, looking back it never seemed to be as scary as he had first assumed. 

Phil felt Dan sit up next to him, then felt his arms wrapping around his chest in a hug. Dan rested his cheek on Phil’s shoulder and looked over him at Phil’s laptop which was placed in front of them. 

‘So… I suppose we need to edit this and make it live.’ Dan sighed.

‘Yeh. Shall we edit it together now? Just get it over with?’ Phil said.

Dan sighed and said, ‘Yeh, sure.’

  *                               *                           *

They both spent the next two hours sat beside each other on Phil’s bed, editing the video on his laptop. Dan covered his eyes every minute and complained about how cringey it was, but they persevered. They then spent a while deciding on a title; trying to make something which didn’t sound too much like click-bait, but also something not incredibly obvious, or too embarrassing. After a minor argument, Phil was persuaded by Dan to simply call the video ‘Phan’. Phil said that it was a terrible title, but not being able to come up with anything different, he conceded. They then settled on a thumbnail from the video when they had both looked down and smiled, then photoshopped a question mark between them. Happy that the video was complete, and having watched it back for the final time, Phil uploaded it to his channel, but didn’t make it public. After some consideration, they both decided that as it was only three o’clock, they should wait until around seven-thirty to make it public. 

Phil closed his laptop and Dan left the room to make a tea, and a coffee for Phil. Phil thought back to those drunken conversations that they had had over the years when they had pondered about this moment. Now that they were one click away from telling people, Phil felt both relieved and incredibly worried. He knew that he would be fine, he would sometimes be hurt when people criticized him, but he could get over it quite quickly. Dan, on the other hand really took criticism to heart. This video had taken so long because it was mainly Dan who had been very averse to telling people, although Phil definitely also had his reasons why they should keep their relationship silent. Perhaps it was Dan’s personality, but people felt it was far easier to criticize him. However, Dan’s moods were far less stable than his own, so Phil was aware that one thing going wrong could have a huge knock-on effect for Dan. Phil also worried that this video would mean that they were letting people into their inner sanctum, the calm and peaceful garden of Elysium that was their relationship. He worried that the peace would be broken and that the exclusivity and secrecy of their island would be shattered and somehow become less special. Phil breathed in deeply then exhaled and reopened his laptop. He stared at his channel page and the private video and pondered it for a few more minutes before decidedly coming to the conclusion that despite everything, this was a good decision.

  *                               *                           *

It was six o’clock and Dan was pacing nervously around the kitchen, continuously checking his phone for the time. He wanted to cook their dinner, but he could feel the nervous excitement in his stomach and had ceased to be hungry hours ago. He kept running his hand through his fringe, then resetting it back in its rightful place. He would occasionally jump up and down a few times, as if pumping himself up before a race. Although he had never run a race in his life, he assumed that this is what it would feel like before the starter gun was shot. His laptop was sat open on a counter behind him, and he heard the ping which indicated a new email. He walked over and opened up his work email, and read the new message. After reading it over a few times, he exhaled steadily and shut his eyes. He ran his hands down his face and wondered what he would say to Phil. At that moment Phil called out his name and came through the door of the kitchen. Dan slowly turned around, his face somber and said, ‘We can’t post that video.’


	5. Chapter V

‘What do you mean?’ Phil asked, not being able to conceal his shock. Dan looked incredibly worried, which Phil very rarely saw so he assumed that something had happened. His body tensed and he forgot to breathe, waiting for Dan’s response.

‘Tim just forwarded me an email from the BBC. They want us to start doing a weekly show again on Radio 1, and they said that they’ve also set up a meeting in two weeks with the Scheduling Department about a TV show idea they’d like us to work on.’ Dan said quickly. Although this news was exciting and somewhere within him he was excited, it meant that maybe this wasn’t the right time to post that video. Despite the news of this amazing opportunity, the fact that he had to tell Phil that he didn’t want to post the video and face the sadness that would probably occur, overshadowed any happiness he might have felt.

‘And… I mean, that’s great news’ Phil said, a hurt expression already showing on his face, ‘But why does that mean that we can’t post it?’

Dan could see how upset Phil was getting. Phil’s voice was calm and measured and he wasn’t fidgeting. Phil looked down at his feet whilst waiting for Dan to reply. It killed Dan to make Phil upset, but he knew that they just couldn’t post this video if these opportunities were going to happen.

‘Phil, we just can’t. It might mean that they won’t let us do these things. The reason why keeping this a secret has worked well is because it doesn’t affect our professional lives if no one knows… and so telling people may affect this.’

‘Yeh but Dan, I don’t care anymore if it does.’ Phil said dejectedly, still looking down at his feet and leaning on the kitchen wall. 

‘But we have to think about the future, Phil. This YouTube thing might not last forever, and we’ve both said that the next logical step might be TV. We need to pay bills and pay rent and save up for when this job is no longer viable for us.’ Dan said, trying to remain calm. ‘We will tell people,’ he continued, ‘but maybe now isn’t the right time, give it a few more years once we’ve saved up more and done a few more things, and then maybe it’ll be the right time.’

‘A few more years!’ Phil exclaimed and looked up at Dan, his eyes shining with tears. ‘This morning it was a few more hours, and now it’s a few more years?!’

Dan crossed the kitchen towards Phil and tried to place his hand on Phil’s shoulder, but Phil swatted it away and turned away from him. A sharp pain cascaded through Dan’s body, and an ache fell upon his chest.

‘It’s not my fault that I just got this email!’ Dan said, starting to get angry. ‘You know as well as I do that telling people could harm our professional careers! It’s not all just going to be sunshine and fucking ‘yay for us’. We knew this was a risk, and now we have the opportunity to hold it off before it damages our careers!’

‘Who cares about our careers?! You think that I care about that enough to continue hiding?’

‘Well you did before!’ Dan shouted after Phil as he left the room. Dan proceeded to follow him into the living room where he found Phil sat on the sofa with his head between his knees and his hands clasped together in front of him. 

‘Dan, I can’t do this anymore,’ Phil whispered softly, the words so painful that he couldn’t fully voice them.

‘Yes you can,’ Dan said, calming down and trying to make his tone sound as reassuring and comforting as possible.

‘No. No I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. Just us in this apartment. Not being able to go out together. Editing videos within an inch of their life just in case people read into them. Lying to people who watch my videos. Lying to myself that I’m happy to spend every day here and don’t care about not being able to go out with you. I’m done.’

Dan was shocked into silence.

‘What do you mean you’re done?’ He said quietly.

Phil looked up at him, tears streaming down his cheeks but not making any noise. He violently wiped the tears from his cheeks and stood up. Walking out the door he repeated, ‘I’m just done.’

Dan was left in silence, staring around the living room and wondering what had happened. He could sense that his hands were trembling and his heart was beating at an intense rate. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. Dan could hear movement in Phil’s bedroom. He didn’t want to believe what was happening, but decided to confront Phil again. Walking into his bedroom his heart collapsed into his stomach and a wave of terror and pain bolted from his chest to his eyes until they filled with tears. Phil had his suitcase on his bed, and was hurriedly pulling various items out of the wardrobe and chest of draws and flinging them into the suitcase.

Dan could hardly speak, could hardly stand there still without shaking, could hardly focus on what was happening.

‘Phil,’ he said quietly, his words trembling over their vowels and consonants, ‘what are you doing?’ His tone had an air of warning to it, as though he was trying to shout ‘No. Don’t. Stop’ beneath the sentence.

‘I’m done, Dan.’ Phil said quietly, not looking back in case he changed his mind. Phil could see crystal clear within his mind what Dan looked like right now. He could vividly picture the incomparable hurt in his eyes, he could imagine his soft body trembling in the doorway and his hands pushed tightly into black jean pockets. 

‘Phil. Don’t.’ Dan’s words were almost incoherent. Uttered so softly as though they were the most important words anyone had ever said. Despite their quiet, the pain that underlied every letter shot through like arrows and shattered everything in Phil’s soul. Phil continued to pack, grabbing his backpack and putting his laptop and cable, along with his wallet, phone, headphones and passport and placing them in there. He could feel his tears running in lines and curlicues down his cheeks and dripping like rain from gables off his jawline. He zipped up his suitcase with as much determination as he could muster, put his backpack on, and placed his suitcase upright on the floor. 

Dan reached for him, and succeeded in placing his hands on the tops of Phil’s arms and bending to try and look up into Phil’s sunken head. 

‘Please. We can sort this out. Please, Phil.’ Dan urged.

Phil looked up into his eyes as a new waterfall of tears cascaded slowly down his cheeks. He could hear nothing but himself silently screaming. The pressure in his aching ears had made every sound painful and an overbearing high-pitched ringing muffled everything. This was the sound of Elysium collapsing into the sea, the sound of their peaceful island breaking into rocks and tumbling into a lost ocean.

Dan saw everything he had wished he would never see in Phil’s eyes. The bright blue colours had been washed away by pain and tears, and had left a silent black void. Dan took his hands off Phil and stood back in shock. He watched him push his suitcase out the bedroom and listened as he heard Phil drag it along the corridor and down the stairs, then quietly shut the front door. He wanted to run after him, to stop him, to bring him back and engulf him in his arms and tell him that they would sort this out. But all he could do was stand in the bedroom doorway, his hands jammed in his jean pockets, his body rising and falling, trying to breathe in as much oxygen as possible. The air wasn’t enough. The air had never been the only thing keeping him alive. 

All that was left was a silence so loud Dan couldn’t hear anything. He slowly sat down on Phil’s bed, and waited to hear if the door would open again. When he heard nothing he looked around the room, noting the figurines of both of them on wooden spikes and stuck into the mud of one of Phil’s houseplants. He saw the blue and black Furbies placed next to each other on the window ledge. He saw their tour photo framed on Phil’s bookshelf. He saw his coat hanging lonely on the back of Phil’s bedroom door. It was at this point that he realised that he had stopped breathing, and inhaled sharply before collapsing onto the bed and screaming into the duvet covers. 

The world was broken. Time deconstructed until all that was left were memories, appearing like ghosts in his mind and haunting him with their happiness. The silence dragged on, broken by his intermittent screams, muffled in the covers of Phil’s bed. He felt drenched with the heady perfume of Phil. It encompassed him until he could almost feel his warmth next to him. Hear his smile. Taste his words. But then he would fall out of his reveries and be left with nothing but the depletion of all of his senses. Everything was empty, cold, and dull. Everything signalled to Phil’s absence. The broken space that Phil had left smothered Dan and bore into his every bone until he felt that nothing could be made right. The planet below him had opened up and swallowed him and their flat. Everything outside of these walls was distant and disconnected. There was nowhere to go, and nowhere to escape to. He was walled in with his every memory, into a prison that had once been home. Dan wanted to escape but realised that he had nowhere to go because there was nowhere to hide, if you were hiding from your place of hiding. 


	6. Chapter VI

The white lights of London King’s Cross Station blared through the late evening. Car lights became blurred red and white fairy lights, strung over the roads in the rain. Phil had the hood of his jacket pulled as far over his face as he could make it go. The rain hitting the fabric of his coat, and car tires kicking up rain from the tarmac and splattering droplets in the wheel arches became the only sounds he heard. He entered the station and out of the rain, suddenly feeling exposed under the bright lights and high ceilings. Men and women in suits passed quickly by, catching trains and mechanically finding their way to platforms and the underground station. Phil went unnoticed through the station. Announcements were played into the museum-like space and echoed around the high brick arches. Phil approached the lit up boards which detailed various train times and searched for Manchester. Finding that the next train was leaving in fifteen minutes he lumbered his suitcase to the nearest ticket machine and bought a one-way, first class ticket. It was ridiculously expensive but he was beyond caring. His brain had gone into autopilot and he was just trying to get on the next train. He found his way to the platform, keeping his eyes down and not making eye-contact with anyone. The last thing he wanted right now was to be recognized and stopped. He walked up the platform, found the first-class carriage, heaved his suitcase over the gap and onto the train, placed it in the luggage section, found the emptiest section of the carriage, shook off his coat, and collapsed into a seat.

He watched silently as people scurried past his window and ran into various carriages. There were businessmen and women exhausted after long days at dreary offices in meetings they didn’t want to go to. There were students clad in scarves and fashionable footwear heading back to university or visiting friends further North. Then there was himself, running away from his home having made the biggest decision of his life.

Phil glanced around the train carriage. It was almost empty apart from a man and a woman, both dressed in expensive, tailored suits and reading the Financial Times and Guardian Newspaper respectively. Luckily he had missed rush hour, it wasn’t the weekend, and he’d paid for a first-class ticket. These factors meant that no one would disturb him, and the carriage would remain almost empty for the two-and-a-half-hour journey to Manchester. As the whistle was blown on the platform and the train started to jolt and hiss forward, he took his phone out of his pocket. Phil looked out the window at the slow-moving, graffiti-clad brick walls that passed by and gathered his thoughts, then called his mum. 

‘Oh! Hello darling!’ His mum answered.

‘Hi mum.’ Phil said quietly, hoping that the two strangers wouldn’t be privy to his call.

‘How are you?’ She said. Phil could hear the smile in her voice. She sounded surprised and happy by his sudden call and Phil felt terrible that he couldn’t match her happiness and would inevitably leave her worried about him.

‘Ermmm… not great. I’m on a train to Manchester.’ He said, trying to remain calm and not cry on a train. 

‘Oh no! Love, are you OK? What’s happened?’ She responded, sounding concerned and soothing at the same time.

‘Just stuff.’ Phil replied, trying to announce as little information as possible whilst he was still in a public place. ‘I was wondering if I could come and stay with you and dad for a few days?’ 

‘Of course, darling!’ His mum obviously got the hint that he didn’t want to talk in detail over the phone so stopped asking him questions to try and ascertain what had caused her 29-year-old son to jump on a train back home. ‘What time does your train get into Manchester?’

‘Nine thirty-six.’

‘Well, I don’t know how many trains out to us there’ll be after that, so I’ll pick you up from the station in Manchester.’ She had gone into organisation mode. Sensing that her son was going through something and unable to find out what, she was going to do anything she could as his mother to make sure that he was OK. And if that meant driving for an hour to pick him up from the station, that is what she would do.

‘No, mum, it’s fine. I can, I don’t know, get a taxi or something.’ Phil said quickly, already feeling incredibly guilty for springing this on his mother.

‘Don’t be silly. I’m picking you up from the station. I’ll be in the car park round the back when your train gets in, and I’ll have no more said about it.’ She said defiantly.

Phil knew that there was no point in arguing, and anyway, he didn’t have enough energy to argue with her, so he replied. ‘Thanks mum, I’ll see you then.’

‘I’ll see you soon. Love you. Bye.’

‘Love you too. Bye.’ Phil hung up and leaned back in his chair.

He tried to concentrate on nothing, simply looking out at the dark blue hills rolling through a thick fog that sped past the carriage windows. Waterlogged football pitches sat soggy on the ground, reflecting nothing but a murky sea-blue above. Phil felt as though he were running away. He had once dreamt of catching a train on impulse and clattering along on rail tracks across fallow fields until he couldn’t see the light-polluted city skies. He had always dreamed about how mysterious and romantic it would be to escape by himself with everything he needed in a rucksack and suitcase. There was something so magical about the loneliness which wailed through the thick clouds that rolled over valley floors. He had always imagined that the stress would lift from his shoulders and be left in the city behind. But now his agony bore down on him and lay like a stagnant mist within the carriage.

The train slowly stuttered to a stop at an empty platform in the depths of the countryside. An old brick station-house stood forlorn by the platform and a single lamp lit the glistening concrete. Life beyond the cracketing, klackering faded noise of the train tracks in the distance was silent. The ethereal dark blue sky lit the world with a deep murky hue. The slow tapping of rain on the window and its jolted slides over the condensation on the panes was the only movement for miles. No one left the train, and no one got on. It screeched and started its wheels and departed from the desolated station and the land beyond blurred again into dark fields and farmland. 

Phil looked at his phone held tightly in his hands and wondered if music would distract him from his thoughts. He unlocked it and scrolled through his playlists, noting that memories were intrinsically tied to each song. Happy music would jeer at him with its exuberance. Sad music would fan the flames of his melancholy and leave him a quivering wreck. He scrolled past songs that reminded him of Dan, until he was left with nothing to hear. His iPhone was a library of recommendations from Dan, memories of their travels, songs they would play on the radio, artists who Dan had haughtily told him were rubbish, songs that reminded them of the good and the bad times. Phil locked his phone and continued looking out of the window and trying to surreptitiously wipe the tears from his cheeks, being rocked by the movement and lulled by the swaying train.

_I am clearing up a whole jar of pasta sauce off the kitchen tiles having stupidly dropped it whilst cleaning the kitchen. I try to scoop as much of the glass up as I can with a dustpan and brush, but am left with splattered red tomato liquid across the whole kitchen. I try to hop around the room cleaning it up without making my jeans dirty. I realize that this is going to take a while so wash my hands in the sink, go over to my phone plugged into some speakers and play a SUM-41 album as loudly as it can go. I return to wiping up the sauce and shouting out the lyrics in full voice. I smile, finally giving up on being annoyed by this whole situation. Having done the best that I can do at sorting out the mess, I wash my hands, watching the red paste fall off my skin and swirl in a murky gloop around the plughole. I brush my wet hands on my jeans, grab a mop from the corner and give the floor an extra wipe. I am still singing, completely out of tune but I don’t care. I spin the mop around in circles and dance over the wet floor, then violently drop the mop to the ground, close my eyes and clench my fists to fully immerse myself in the chorus of ‘In Too Deep’. I open my eyes and give out a quiet scream and slip on the floor till I find myself lying on my back and staring up at the ceiling. Dan is bent over double in the doorway, almost crying with joy. I cover my face with my hands and start giggling, completely embarrassed at being caught. I can only assume that Dan had been there for a while as I wouldn’t have heard him over the noise of the speakers. I sit up and find Dan crouched in the doorway, grabbing onto the doorframe and pissing himself with laughter. I give him an annoyed glance, try to stand, and carefully tiptoe over the wet floor to shut off the music. Once the speakers are turned off I can only hear Dan laughing so hard that it sounds like he can’t breathe._

_‘It’s not funny.’ I whine at him._

_Dan still can’t respond and is desperately grasping for air and wiping at his eyes. I try to be annoyed, but even through the shear embarrassment I can’t help but smile at him. His eyes are tightly squeezed closed and his face is scrunched up, making his dimples even more prominent. I walk with purpose past him and into the living room, then curl into a ball on the sofa, hoping this moment will end soon and forever be forgotten. Dan then enters the room and stands in the doorway looking at me and still trying to suppress his laughter. He looks at me with bemused shame and sheer pride._

_‘You’re so adorable.’ He says through a grin._

_‘Shut up!’ I respond, then grab a nearby cushion and cover my face with it._

_Dan half-runs towards me and almost jumps onto the sofa and tears the cushion from my face._

_‘Stop! Noooo.’ I say playfully, trying to bat away his hands and crawl tighter into a ball._

_‘Nawwwww. Is Philip all embarrassed that I caught him dancing and then being a complete flop and tripping over.’ Dan says in a baby voice._

_‘Daaaaan, go away.’_

_Dan envelops his arms around me and hooks his leg over one of my knees, hugging and swaying me from side to side. He buries his head into the curve of my neck and hugs me tighter, then pulls away to look at me, still with that stupid, condescending grin on his face._

_I look away and roll my eyes, knowing that he’ll never let this go. I look back at him and try to feign annoyance but I just can’t. It is impossible to be annoyed with him if he’s smiling like this. It’s like everything could only ever be OK when he looks at me with such joy and complete love. He’s a little shit, but I love him for it. I give up pretending that I’m annoyed and smile. His grin falters, and then he moves his head forward, shuts his eyes and kisses me. We linger over the kiss and I feel his soft lips gently moving over mine. He pushes me down and presses his body on top of mine and we grasp slowly and move our hands over each other’s bodies. I kiss at his collar bone and lift his shirt over his head and breathe deeply into his body. He smells of bed, warm sleep, and the soft smell of comfort. He smells of relaxed afternoons and un-showered, homely skin. His body is supple and warm to the touch and awash with a bright morning light despite it being the evening. He smells of home and duvets, laughter and days spent on the sofa, he smells of my favourite song and my happiest memory. We feel so close that everyone else are strangers. Our bodies part and he stands up and looks at me intensely before grabbing my hand and leading me to my bedroom. He sits down on my bed and pulls me by my t-shirt towards him and we collapse, limbs entwined over the covers. I kiss him fervently then stop to breathe and rummage through my bedside cabinet draw for the lube. We hastily pull at each other’s clothes and throw them from the bed, continuously returning for chaste kisses and strong touches. We kiss and gnaw at each other’s lips and torsos, becoming closer with every touch. I feel his heat and warmth and moans and pleas and breathy cries as we try and say everything to each other without saying any real words. The world shakes and slows then shudders to a stop…_

… then Phil woke up. The train had arrived at yet another decrepit station. Phil’s breathing was heavier and quicker and it took a moment to remember where he was. There was no one else in the carriage now and he was completely alone. As his breathing slowed and the lingering memory of Dan faded into the gloomy night, Phil let out a whimper of such pain that the stars shattered at its sound. He bent his knees up and hugged them to his chest and buried his head into them. Occasionally quiet gasps for air would escape from his throat. His jeans were wet with tears and his ears howled in pain. After a few minutes he tried to compose himself, unravelled his limbs, and leaned his head on the window, focusing on the rattling of metal wheels on old tracks that shuddered through his skull. He thought about Dan. There was nothing else he could think about. Phil wondered if Dan had called anyone, if anyone was there making sure that he was OK. They used to have loads of friends to turn to, but over the years they had seemed to become more and more secluded from everyone. All that were left were the occasional fellow YouTubers who would force them to meet up once in a while, both professionally and as friends. Now that Phil came to think of it, it was him who had the childhood friends and the university friends. He had tried to keep in contact with them but since being with Dan he’s stopped dialling their numbers, or going out of his way to visit them in their new lives in Northern cities. When Dan had come into the picture, Phil realised that spending too much time away from him in order to catch up with friends hurt Dan. Whilst Dan never really said it, Phil could tell that a mix of jealousy and the worry that Phil had other people to turn to had made Dan wary of Phil’s friends. Over all these years Phil had tried to see Dan’s overprotectiveness as endearing, but now he looked back on it and saw it as yet another example of how trapped he felt. They had both hid themselves away in their flat and deserted past friends until it was just them. Phil though, was the one who lost the friends and he grieved for the memories that could have been made but were stolen from him. An anger which was unfamiliar to him soared through his body and surged over his sadness. He knew that Dan had been consistently worried when they first got together and had thought that Phil would be just another friend to leave him because he felt as though he wasn’t good enough. Now that they had both grown and there was no need to be so protective of each other, Phil became angry thinking that he had wasted friendships for the sake of something which couldn’t have been broken by anything. Dan had lost no one, and Phil had lost everyone. Now it was just them, and with no one to turn to and his whole life dependant on Dan, Phil wondered if Dan knew how much Phil had become trapped with nowhere to go. 

Setting this sudden rush of anger to one side, Phil then found his phone which had dropped onto the carriage floor in front of him and called Louise. As the call was ringing out he sniffed and wiped at his nose and eyes with the sleeve of his jumper. 

‘Oh hello, my love!’ Louise answered in a melodic, charming tone. 

‘Hi.’ Phil said quietly, still trying to compose himself.

‘How are you? … Darcy, no. Mummy’s talking… sorry.’ Louise said, switching between motherly sternness and a light-hearted voice instantly. 

‘Not good really.’ Phil whispered into the phone.

‘Awwww, honey! What’s happened?’ Louise said. He could hear her moving into another room of the house and imagined her mouthing shhh signs to her child. 

‘Me and Dan have had an argument.’

‘What? Has something happened?’ She said, becoming more concerned and more soothing with every word.

‘I’m on a train to go to my parents’ house… and I’m worried if he’s OK.’ Phil said quietly. All he could think about was if Dan was coping. If he was making stupid decisions. If he was dealing with this as badly as Phil, and if so, what he would do all alone left only with his thoughts.

Louise understood what Phil was really saying. She knew Dan well enough that if Phil had left him after a huge argument and he was alone, Phil was right to be concerned. She didn’t bother asking for more details, as she assumed that Phil wouldn’t tell her right now anyway so said with surety, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll call Darcy’s dad and see if she can stay at his tonight. Then I’ll drive over there as quickly as I can. Her dad won’t mind, I’ll just say that it’s an emergency. He owes me anyway.’

‘Thanks, Louise.’

‘No problem at all, honey. OK, I’ll text you to let you know how he is, yeh?’

‘Yeh, that would be good. Thanks.’

‘You just arrive safe with at your parents’, and call me if you need anything.’

‘Thanks, will do.’

‘OK then, speak soon, bye.’

‘Bye.’

As Phil hung up the phone he let out a long breath and tried to calm himself. His thoughts kept turning to Dan, what he was doing, if he was still at home, if he was thinking of calling Phil, if he was actually OK. 

The train was slowing and squealing as the wheels sent out sparks from the wet tracks. The lights on Manchester Station’s platform dimly lit the world outside the train. Phil stood up and put his coat on, balancing on the moving train in the aisle of the carriage. He then pulled his suitcase from the luggage section, waited for the train to stop, pulled the heavy door open, and got off the train.  


	7. Chapter VII

_I can’t find my way out, high hedges and thorns tower above me. I can feel my heartbeat in my throat and try to swallow it down but it rises back through my gullet and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m running, tripping over each step and continuously doubling back on myself to get out. The sky is almost black and I can hardly see. The rusting of leaves and sharp spikes of thorns claw at my skin. I fall over the vines that crawl in sinews across the ground below, bunching like clogged arteries and spilling over themselves in bumps. I taste the mud and blood in my mouth and scream._

_I am in another section of the maze. The wind spins around my body, clad in an old t-shirt that I lost years ago and jeans I threw out. The roses are black in the hedges, decaying and crying out spiders. I hear screaming and run. It must be him. Fear floods my body as I remember that he is lost. I try to run but my body is too heavy to move. I fall again and crawl along the mud with the dense hedges moving slowly inwards and blocking me in. I claw at the earth and drag my limbs forward, screaming and howling violently at the wind._

_I can hear his screams. I can hear him crying out my name through the opaque dark. I scream his name and find myself in the centre of the maze. There is a limp body clad in black in the middle of the opening. I gather all my energy and run towards him and collapse on the ground next to the body, and roll it over, it’s weight heavy as the dead. I am face to face with myself. Eyes with lost focus and tear-stained cheeks. Hands that have lost their ability to hold and arms you can’t hug. I fall over my still bones and am engulfed into the hedgerows as they finally meet and fall around me._

_He is looking at me through the dark. We stand leaning over the rails of a hotel balcony and say nothing. Nothing needs to be said. I am so incredibly happy, but feel as though I should be incredibly sad. His dark hair is swept over his face and his strong arms lean on the railings. I love him without reason, without explanation, without expectation. I am astounded every second by everything he does. I want to cry when he laughs and hug him when he sits silently watching Netflix. I want to tell him how incredible he is when he wakes up tired and spends the day in his pyjamas, I want to tell him that he is the only thing that makes sense in the world when he is ill and thinks he looks like death. I love him for doing nothing but existing._

_‘Did you hear me, Dan,’ he says softly._

_I can’t see his face properly, but understand that I know what it looks like. He is blurred in life but clear in my mind._

_‘You didn’t say anything,’ I reply._

_‘I thought I didn’t need to,’ he says, a sadness in his voice._

_‘A wind picks up and ruffles his hair but he doesn’t move. He just stands on the balcony and looks at me._

_‘I don’t understand,’ I say quietly._

_The balcony collapses in the storm and I hear him shout my name as we both fall._

Dan gasped and sat bolt upright on Phil’s bed. It was dark outside the window of Phil’s room. The door was still open and the chest of draws was covered with the clothes Phil hadn’t bothered to put away properly. The room was dimly lit by the cold lampposts outside. It was still raining and the house was an empty shelter. Dan wanted to get up off the bed and turn the lights on, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up. He felt like an anvil was pressing down on his chest and leaving him short of breath. He reached out his arm and for a second thought that Phil might be there next to him. All he felt was thick, cold air and a dense void beside him. Tears choked his throat and swept into his eyes then trailed between his laughter lines and flowed in ox-bow river bends around his temples.

He coughed and choked out guttural cries until he became exhausted and wished he could sleep forever. Phil was gone. He had never actually left him before. They had had arguments, big arguments before, but he had never actually left. Phil had never made a rash decision in his life, had always thought things through, had always said that he would never leave and they would be by each other’s sides forever. Dan realised that Phil wouldn’t have done this if it were just a quick decision, he wasn’t like that.

Dan remembered the excitement on Phil’s face and the weight lifted from his shoulder’s after they had made the video. He remembered Phil excitedly chatting in exuberance about nothing all that afternoon and fidgeting on the sofa next to him. He remembered the unexpected kisses and Phil humming to himself as he was scrolling through tumblr. He remembered Phil showing him a hotel in the Lake District that he’d seen on Pinterest and really wanted to visit with Dan. He remembered Phil writing with extreme concentration on his Macbook and saying that he was having a brainstorm of new video ideas, then shut his laptop and basically skipped into the kitchen to make a coffee.

Dan’s stomach flipped as he connected the dots and the hazy day turned into a clear linear sequence of events. Dan hated himself, and sat up on the edge of the bed. He leaned over his knees and thought he might throw up.  

The door buzzer rang and shocked Dan back into reality. His heart skipped as he wondered if it was Phil. Had he come back? But he must have taken his keys, he wouldn’t have left them? Surely he would have called Dan? Where even was he? Was that him outside and he just wanted to surprise him? Was this all an elaborate joke. The sound of the buzzer sounded out again and echoed through the hollow flat. Then the intercom was pressed and he heard a woman’s voice carry through the dark hallway.

‘Dan. Honey, it’s Louise. I’m outside.’ She sounded worried, despite the fact that she was obviously trying to sound as light-hearted and cheerful as possible.

Dan stood up and went into the hall to the door buzzer panel. He paused, wondering whether to answer. He didn’t want to see anyone right now. But he also didn’t want to be alone. Why was Louise even here? They hadn’t planned to meet today… at least he was almost sure they hadn’t. Had Phil called her? Is that why she is hear? Is that when she is worried? What if something had happened to Phil? What if he’d been involved in an accident? What if he was really missing and she’d come to let him know? Or he was in hospital…

‘… Dan.’ Louise interrupted his thoughts. ‘Open up. I’m not leaving until you do.’

Dan tried to slow his heartbeat and stop his worries, and pressed the button so that she could open the door from downstairs. He then rushed through the corridor, turning on the light over the stairs and stumbled down each step to open the flat door. 

As soon as he saw Louise coming up the steps he said hurriedly, ‘Have you heard from him? Is he OK?’

She looked up at him and paused, then rose up the stairway as quickly as she could and gave him a hug. He felt a plastic bag that she was holding knock him on his side. He let her go and looked at her with fierce intensity and deep sadness.

‘Have you heard from him?’ he repeated.

‘Yes. Yes I have. He’s fine, don’t worry. I’m more concerned about you.’ She said calmly, looking around the door into the dimly lit flat. ‘Shall we go in, or did you want to stand in your doorway the whole night?’ She continued, trying to add some humour to her tone.

‘Er… yeh… sorry,’ Dan said, then walked up the stairs into the hallway above.

Once they were both in the hallway, Louise looked at him as he rubbed his hands over his face and stood in silence in the hall. Louise noticed that the house was completely pitch black apart from the one lonely light which lit the lower stairs.

‘Sorry, did I wake you up?’ She asked with concern.

‘What? Erm. No… I was just…. Erm…’ Dan said, losing all structure in his sentences and thoughts, and not caring at all.

The fact that Dan had just been lying in the darkness of his flat all evening gave Louise even more cause to worry. ‘Shall we have a cup of tea, yeh?’ She suggested softly.

‘Erm… yeh… sure,’ Dan said, half-lost in thoughts. She then followed him into the kitchen and turned on the light behind them, causing Dan to squint and shy away from the brightness.

Dan went about putting the kettle on and slowly fetching two mugs, settling a tea bag in the bottom of each.

‘So he called you?’ He said quietly. His back was rising and falling, as though every breath was laboured.

‘Yeh, about forty minutes ago.’

‘Where is he?’

‘I think he said he was on a train to Manchester, to stay with his parents.’

Dan nodded, slightly comforted by the information that Phil was OK and on his way to people who would look after him. ‘Did he sound OK?’

Louise paused to collect her thoughts and to try to remember how Phil had sounded during their conversation. ‘Erm, he sounded very upset,’ she replied.

Dan was quiet, then responded simply, ‘OK.’

Louise noted that he seemed younger. On occasion he would breathe in sharply then exhale. His shoulders were rounded and hunched over himself, and his head hanged over his body. He looked broken.

The kettle bubbled and Dan finished making the cups of tea before handing one to Louise and cupping his own mug in his hands. He lifted it up to his lips and slowly blew onto the boiling liquid, giving him an excuse to not talk.

Louise looked over the brim of her mug as she held it to her lips and stared with concern at Dan. She couldn’t remember ever seeing him like this, although Phil had once hinted at how bad he could get when upset. Phil never really spoke much about any trouble they had in their relationship, and only a very few times had he given sparse details about when they were living in Manchester and things weren’t so good. 

‘Right. Come on, let’s go into the living room and have a chat,’ she said, kindly but firmly.

Dan glanced at her and followed her orders as if he were a scolded child. Louise grabbed two spoons from their kitchen’s cutlery drawn then followed Dan into the living room. Luckily he had thought to turn on the lights this time, and she found him sat in the corner of their sofa, staring mindlessly into his mug of tea.

Louise sat down on the other end of the sofa, placed the plastic bag she had been carrying between them, and passed him a spoon which he took without question. She then grabbed one of their pillows and placed it over her stomach, then took two Ben & Jerry’s tubs of ice cream from the bag and held them in front of Dan.

‘You get first choice,’ she said.

Dan gave the hint of a smile and glanced despondently between the two tubs, then took the Cookie Dough flavour.

Louise smiled at him. ‘Times like these call for ice cream. Trust me, I know,’ she said with humour and self-deprecation as she undid the lid of hers and dug her spoon in. Having eaten a small spoonful she continued, ‘So… wanna talk me through it?’

Dan gloomily took the lid off his tub, slammed his spoon into the ice cream, placed the spoon and ice cream in his mouth and sighed as he swallowed. He then proceeded to talk Louise through what had happened, stammering over some words and stopping frequently to make sure he didn’t start crying.

Once Dan had explained what had happened, Louise asked, ‘Have you tried to call him?’

‘No,’ Dan replied dejectedly. ‘He obviously want space, I mean, this is what this whole thing is about, he wants space from me, from here…’ Dan had to stop talking as emotions started to choke his words.

‘Dan, nooo, this isn’t about him wanting space from you. It doesn’t sound like that. It just sounds like he got upset by your sudden change of heart about showing the video.’ She said calmly, trying to comfort him. He is obviously still completely in love with you. He wouldn’t have called me and asked me to check on you if he didn’t care so much.’

‘Well then he shouldn’t have fucking left.’ Dan said sharply.

Louise took a moment to respond, and finally said, ‘I’m sure he just needs a few days to work through this by himself, and then you both can have a long chat about this and decide what you want to do. Have you thought any more about if maybe you should just post that video? I really wouldn’t worry too much about it. You know, I rebranded recently and I actually gained more followers than I lost, and I’m far happier now that I can talk openly about the things I want to discuss… so maybe it’s not such a bad thing?’

Dan placed his ice cream and spoon on the coffee table in front of him and curled into a ball, burying his head in the back cushions of the sofa. She could see his back jolt and heard his muffled gasps through the dense material. Louise put her ice cream down as well, and wrapped her arms around him.

‘Oh, honey. It’ll be fine. It really will. Every relationship goes through times like these,’ she whispered to him.

Dan raised his head, his eyes red and tears smudged across his cheeks. ‘This is my fault.’ He gasped between sobs. ‘I’ve been fucking awful to him.’ Dan choked out.

Louise softly took his head and rested it on her shoulder and felt him judder, sniff, and cry into the white material of her cardigan.

‘No, honey. This isn’t your fault. You just need to talk to him. You’ll both work something out. Awwww, Daaaan, it’ll all be OK,’ she uttered quietly into his hair. She slowly rubbed her hand over his back, trying to soothe him.

They then both heard a ping from Dan’s phone and untangled from their hug to let Dan feverishly check the notification. He hoped with everything in his heart that it was Phil. Instead, an alarm timer showed up, notifying him that it was eight-fifty pm. Dan took a moment to realise that it was Tuesday and therefore he was meant to be doing a live show in ten minutes. He sat up properly and wiped away at his eyes and nose, then stared at his screen wondering what to do.

‘I’m meant to be going live on YouNow in ten minutes,’ he told Louise.

‘Well, that’s not going to happen. Just send out a tweet saying that you can’t tonight.’

Dan sniffed once more and unlocked his phone and opened up his twitter, then hovered his fingers over the keypad trying to work out what to say. He finally typed ‘no younow show tonight sorry’. Then relocked his phone. For the first time since Phil had walked out the door Dan thought about YouTube and his subscribers.

‘Do you know what,’ he said quietly to Louise, ‘I don’t even care right now about YouTube or the fact that if he has really left it’ll hurt my channel or shit like that. I just want him back, Louise,’ he said, tears reappearing in his eyes.

Louise moved to sit next to him and rub his back. ‘Well, I think that answers your question of if you should tell people about you both. If not telling them means losing Phil, then I think you have your answer.’

Dan looked up at her with wide, swollen eyes, and his lips crumpled together. ‘Yeh,’ he said with a sigh.

  *                                 *                              *

They both talked some more with Dan oscillating frequently between calm and desolate. Louise talked a bit about what she’d been up to recently, trying to impress upon him that rebranding wasn’t so bad, and actually was a positive thing. She tried to make him laugh and then started to recount one of their many shared awkward experiences. Half way through the retelling Dan started to well up, and she realised that Phil had been there and he was probably now just fixating on the thought of him.

Louise’s light-hearted tone faltered and she ended the anecdote quickly. They sat in silence for a moment then Dan said, ‘I need a glass of wine.’

Louise gave him a look of concern and replied, ‘Maybe wine isn’t the best idea now.’

Dan shook his head and got up off the sofa, ‘No, no, I’ll be fine,’ he said, reassuring both himself and Louise.

Dan returned with a newly opened, full bottle of red wine and two glasses. Louise continued to watch him with worry, but didn’t have the heart to rip the bottle from his hand and insist that they should stick to tea. Dan poured them both two large glasses and started up some conversation again. They both relaxed and Dan started to believe Louise’s insistences that everything would be OK. They then decided to watch a few episodes of Live at the Apollo to try and make Dan happier and forget about his worries. More glasses were poured and they both started to laugh more at the comedy. Dan relaxed and the ache subsided. His worries blurred and were pushed out of his mind by the garish colours of the TV screen.

  *                                 *                              *

After a few episodes, Louise took the now-melted ice cream tubs to the kitchen and placed them in the freezer. She then returned to the living room and asked if she could stay the night. Louise had driven her car here but now she was over the limit and couldn’t drive home. She was happy with this excuse as it meant that she could be in the house with Dan tonight. Louise was fairly confident that he would be OK, but she felt better knowing that she would be around till the morning. Darcy was at her father’s and he would take her to school, so she could stay as long as needs be tomorrow. Dan, now slightly cheerier yet still weary from the emotional day and also fairly tipsy from the continuous glasses of wine he’d been pouring for himself, showed her to his room and told her that the sheets were clean and he hadn’t slept there for a few weeks anyway. Louise looked around the room and wondered if maybe Dan should sleep here instead of Phil’s room tonight, but she didn’t want to bring the conversation back to that, so thanked him and went about getting ready for bed.

Having shown Louise to his bedroom, Dan returned to the living room and slumped down into the sofa. His mind felt hazy and slow. His body felt heavy and lethargic. His thoughts muddled together in his mind and he couldn’t concentrate properly on anything. Dan knew that checking his laptop wouldn’t be a good idea right now, so he got out his phone and without properly thinking, called Phil.

The phone rang out for ages until the answerphone message blared into his ear. After the beep which indicated when the message had started Dan uttered nothing, then said, ‘Phil… it’sssDan.’ His words were slightly slurred and the vowels tripped into one another. ‘I love you. OK. I fucking love you,’ he said started to choke up, ‘please come back… jsssst… we can sort thissoutOK. Jssst, please…’ Dan hung up the phone and returned his watery eyes to the TV, put the sound back on, lay down on his side, hugged a pillow, let the laughter from the programme wash over him, and drifted to sleep.


	8. Chapter VIII

Phil had explained to his mum everything that had happened whilst they were driving slowly out of Manchester, then winding along country roads to his town. His mum had kept quiet for most of the journey and would interrupt him on occasion to ask him various things about his retelling. It was night, and still raining. The windshield wipers swiped and clunked over the glass like clockwork, washing and spitting away the heavy rainfall. As he told his mum the events which had lead him to come home, he looked out the window at the cars and became calmed by the slow brightening and dimming of the car by the long lines of lampposts outside. He had just finished getting his mum up to date when the car swerved into the driveway, his mum put the car in neutral, and the engine turned off. With the car lights dimly lighting the black interior, Phil’s mum turned to him and gave him a sorrowful yet sympathetic look.

‘Oh, pet.’ She said in melodic Northern tones, then placed her hand on his, turning her body towards him. ‘It sounds like he’s scared. But he shouldn’t have let you down like that.’

‘Yeh.’ Phil replied, looking down into his and his mum’s hands, hers clasped over his.

‘Well,’ she said, patting his hand and then taking off her seatbelt. ‘You’re here, you’ve got time to think about it all, and I’ve made you a lovely tea because I expect you haven’t eaten.’

Phil looked at her and smiled. ‘Thanks, mum,’ he said before taking off his seatbelt and opening the door.

They both rushed to the boot of the car and hurriedly brought his suitcase into the house, trying not to get soaked by the downpour.

Once inside his parent’s home, Phil felt a lot better. It smelled like it had always smelled, of childhood and musky winter coats. The same photographs of his parents, his brother, and himself still hanged on the hall walls. He exhaled and put his coat on the rack, then followed his mum into the kitchen and slumped down on a chair by the old wooden table.

‘Hello, son.’ His dad said, entering the kitchen and opening his arms to embrace him. Phil stood up and briefly hugged his dad.

‘I hear you’ve been havin’ trouble with Dan?’ His Dad stated rather than enquired.

Phil looked away and nodded slightly. ‘Yeh.’ He responded then brushed his hand over his fringe.

Phil’s dad glanced at him with concern then said, ‘Well, you’re here now. And these things sort themselves out, don’t you worry. Me and your mum have had many a barney and they always got sorted.’

Phil smiled, responded with another, ‘yeh’, then sat down again.

His mum reheated a homemade Shepard’s pie and placed the hot plate in front of him. They talked some more, first about how other things in Phil’s life were going, then moving on to discuss family news. His mum explained in great detail the news about various great aunts and relatives which Phil hadn’t seen in years. Although he didn’t care much, the comforting voice of his mum and the familiarity of him returning home and having similar conversations about family quarrels and old relatives who’ve fallen ill, was reassuring in its banality.

  *                             *                             *

After Phil had eaten he went up to his room and looked around, noting how nothing much had changed since he’d left. The walls were the same colour, a few teenage posters remained, and old soft toys and figurines were placed on the bookshelves. He lay down on the bed and heard his phone buzz.

‘Dan’s upset, but he’s fine. We’re talking through it and it sounds like you both need to talk and work this out. I’m going to try to stay the night so he’s not alone. I hope you’re OK.’

Phil read and reread the message from Louise a few times. He felt better knowing that Dan was OK and that he had someone with him. Phil sighed, then got ready for bed, turned off the light and sat thinking in the dark, hearing his mum and dad move around downstairs. Being back in his room Phil’s mind turned to memories of when they had met all those years ago. How excited and nervous he had been when he had first met Dan. How cute he looked and how Phil didn’t really believe this random kid online was so perfect for him. He remembered when Dan had stayed for almost a week when his parents had gone on holiday and they’d spent their time in bed, watching films, and playing video games.

_We are both lying on my bed in the comfiest clothes we own talking. We had both woken up late and it had been a slow morning. The curtains are still closed, making me believe that we are the only people in the world. Dan is talking about a new video game he’s been playing and flinging his arms about, explaining with utmost annoyance how he can’t get past a certain level. I’m not really listening to what he’s saying. I’m just letting his voice wash over me and grinning at how animated he is. Everything about him is perfect, including his imperfections. I feel like I’ve been shown how amazing the world can be since I met him. We’ve talk for hours about video games, YouTube, our families, and cuddled whilst listening to Muse albums in full._

_Dan looks at me to check if I’m listening, I suppose because I haven’t said anything in a while. He pauses his tirade about the video game and laughs._

_‘Phiiiilllll, are you even listening.’ He whines._

_‘Yes. You were saying how bad you are at video games.’ I reply, taunting him._

_He grabs a pillow from behind him and whacks me over the head with it numerous times._

_‘Hey! Stop!’ I shout through laughter. He pulls the pillow back and glares at me. ‘Maybe you should let me show you how it’s done.’ I say._

_Dan huffs and commences hitting me playfully over the head with the pillow whilst shouting, ‘Oi! Fuck you, Phil!’_

_I laugh as I try to protect my face with my hands. Dan ceases hitting me and flings the pillow back behind him. He then crosses his arms and looks ahead, his face pouting like a disgruntled toddler._

_My giggling subsides and I resume staring up at him, beaming._

_He glances down and allows himself to give up the act of pretending to be annoyed. He then rolls onto his front and places his head close to mine._

_I know that he won’t kiss me first. He still hasn’t been the one to instigate anything physical, so I lean onto my elbows and I kiss him. I can feel him smiling as I caress his lips with mine. I pull away and look into his eyes. This embarrasses him and he buries his face in the pillow and wraps his arms around his head._

_His shyness is so cute. He hasn’t been physical with another boy before and I don’t think he knows what to do. When we’ve been together I can tell when he wants to kiss me, or hug me, but he always gets too nervous and stops himself. I can remember when I first got with a guy and didn’t know what the hell I was doing, so I relate. Yeh, at times I worry if maybe he doesn’t want this, but then he’ll tell me when we’re being most intimate how he thinks he’s falling in love with me. And when we’re apart we’ll text and skype all the time. Thinking that he might be falling in love with me feels so amazing that it hurts my heart. And I know that from day one I was completely in love with him._

_I wrap my arms and body around him and hug him close. He then lifts his head and moves until he is under me and stares into my eyes. His brown eyes turn black as his pupils expand. His breathing becomes heavy. I take each of his arms and hold them on the bed over his head. I hold his wrists down and hover my head just inches above his. I lean in closer until our lips are almost touching, but don’t kiss him. I wait, teasing him, until he kisses me. I feel his chest rise and fall slowly beneath me. My knees are on either side of his body and our chests are almost touching. I move my head back so that I can look at him. I can only see passion in his eyes and feel his body almost tremble with anticipation. I smirk at him, silently letting him know that I’m waiting for his next move. As if he can’t stand it any longer his mouth quickly rises to meet mine and he kisses me with intensity. I kiss back softly, hardly moving my mouth, teasing him. He bites at my lower lip, and tries to kiss me harder. I just hold him underneath me and keep moving my head backwards, just out of his reach. He groans and I feel his body shudder with the vibration of the noise. Before he settles another kiss on my lips I move fully out of his reach._

_He groans again and moans, ‘Phiiiiiil.’_

_I still hold him on the bed and give him a provoking smile. I can feel his dick is completely hard underneath me and know that he’s going to snap. Sure enough he breaks his arms free of my hold, pushes me off him and rolls onto me, holding onto the sheets and kissing me fervently. It is hot and wet and I feel his tongue lapping at mine and his teeth biting at my lips. I grab onto his hair and run my hands through it. I can hardly breathe I want him so much. I grab onto the back of his neck with one hand and push the other between us and feel at his dick. He breaks his kiss with me and inhales sharply. I love seeing him like this, so burning with passion that his every move is a plea. He pushes down into my hand and savours every touch, every stroke. He then sits up and pulls his shirt off and claws at mine. I rise in order to let him violently pull it over my head. In the blink of an eye he kisses me again, and pushes his entire body into mine, rubbing our skin together. His body is hot and sweaty and smells of sex. He moves his mouth down and kisses my neck, my collar bone, my chest, my stomach, then pulls my jeans and boxers down and traces down my inner thigh with his tongue. I shut my eyes and open my mouth to try and breathe in more oxygen. I feel him take me in his mouth and my body quivers in utter pleasure. I can think of nothing but his tongue slowly moving up and down and swirling around the top of my dick. I moan, tense and grab the sheets. This urges Dan on, as he moves his head up and down quickly, then slowly. I need him to stop, stop quickly before I can’t restrain myself any longer. I use every ounce of effort and self-control I can find within me and pull his head up. I then pull him in to kiss me, tasting myself on his lips which is so beyond sexy I can hardly deal with it. I pull his jeans and boxers off, then roll us over, grab the lube from the bedside table and cover myself and my hand with it. I place my finger inside him and his eyes shut with pain and pleasure. As he moans into my lips he starts to relax, and try to take it as slow as I can. He starts to plead for more so I push him onto his front and slowly push myself into him. He gasps with pleasure and bites down on the pillow. I press my forehead between his shoulder blades and try to steady my breathing. I slowly move inside him and try as much as I can to keep it slow, even though I want all of him right now. He cries out for more and shouts my name into the bedsheets, then reaches behind to grab one of my hands and entwines my fingers in his. I grasp at his other hand and clench. I can only feel white hot desire. I can only feel us burning together. I can only feel us entangle like licking flames of fire. He is everything._

Phil woke up hot and sweaty. His breathing was laboured and the memory of Dan cut into his chest until his thoughts were able to let go of the pain. He rubbed his face with his hands and tried to take in some long slow breaths. Phil exhaled slowly and tried to collect himself. He pushed away the memories and shut his eyes. He told himself that it would all be OK. They would sort this out, and he believed it. Every inch of his skin ached for Dan. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to be with him, he wanted to say and share everything with him. He wanted to walk to the ends of the earth with Dan and never let go of his hand.

The morning light was shining in patches through his old bedroom curtains. He could hear birdsong outside and could almost smell the dewy grass and soaked mud. Phil reached over to the bedside drawer and fumbled for his phone. He checked the notifications and found one missed call and an answerphone message from Dan. His mind was shocked into action and the tiredness fell from his body. He quickly unlocked his phone and pressed to hear the message. Hearing Dan’s voice almost made him cry instantly. He sounded tipsy and sad, but it was still his beautiful voice. After replaying the message a few times, Phil hugged his phone to his chest. He thought long and hard over the message. On the one hand he was annoyed that Dan had drunk dialled him and not texted him when he was sober. He was also annoyed that Dan had been stupid enough to drink in his state. But Phil was just happy to have heard his voice. He knew that he would have to do a lot of thinking today about how he felt about the whole video situation. Phil knew deep down that he couldn’t keep this secret any longer, but he also knew deep down that he couldn’t leave Dan, he just couldn’t.

 


	9. Chapter IX

Phil’s house was empty, the heavy weight of silence had morphed into a light and peaceful calm. Outside his bedroom window ochre leaves had fallen on saturated wet mud. The misty hills rolled and danced into each other and cold, clear blue skies harmonised with the land below. Wisps of angel white clouds tarantella in the high atmosphere and chimney smoke swirled into the air from old stone cottages, which gave the air the smell of bonfires and autumn school days.

Phil couldn’t deny that he was still upset and weary. His eyes were swollen from sleep and the hours of crying, but now he had had time to think it all through and escape from the tired sounds of bustling London streets, he knew that whatever happens, it would all be OK.

He went downstairs and found a note on the kitchen table from his mum letting him know that her and his Dad had gone out to work and would be back at half past six. The old wall clock said the time was one o’clock and Phil was shocked at how long he had slept. He must’ve been tired, in fact he still felt exhausted. Every thought had been painful, every movement had felt like he was dragging his body through mud and sludge. Life could be hard, but without Dan by his side, it was almost impossible.

Phil made himself a bowl of cereal and ate it whilst watching TV on the ragged sofa in the living room. He sat in the same place he had always sat when he lived at home. The family photos on the mantelpiece and the old school trophies and graduation photographs made the house feel like it was still his, even though he only visited here once a year. He had forgotten in London that no matter what he still had a home somewhere else. He had taken for granted the luxury of knowing that he had a stable place to return to, and an amazing family to depend upon when times get rough. His parent’s had built a solid rock foundation, and him and Dan had built a home on the island. Even if storms ravaged the home, the rock remained, and him and Dan could start building again. Phil’s parents had loved Dan as soon as they met him. They thought he was young and a bit too carefree but they trusted their son to choose to be with someone he was happy with. Dan’s parents hadn’t trusted him properly for years. Phil could understand why though. He was far older than Dan when they had got together, and to them, Phil was just this older guy Dan met on the internet, persuaded him to move to Manchester to be nearer him, get Dan to live with him, allow Dan to drop out of University and follow a risky life path of doing YouTube as a career. To them, Phil had lead Dan away from a stable life as a lawyer with the same lovely girlfriend he met a school, and made him into an unemployed mess. Once Dan’s YouTube channel started picking up more subscribers and they got opportunities with Radio 1, they had both conceded that maybe their son would be OK, and that Phil wasn’t the bad influence they had once assumed. Dan hadn’t helped the situation at first by violently storming out of discussion where they had raised issues with Phil. Phil had both thought that it was cute, but also was wary that he was responsible for harming Dan’s relationship with his parents. And Phil could understand their worries. Phil himself had been worried at points that Dan was maybe too young, but he loved him so much that it was hard during those years to step back and see their relationship from other people’s perspectives.

Phil remembered that they had in fact discussed this all at one point. They had been on skype after Dan had had another row with his parents about going to see Phil. Phil had told him that the truth was, he was a lot older and to other people them meeting online, also the fact that he was an older guy could seem weird to some. They had then both decided after a lot of persuasion from Phil that they should keep their relationship on the down-low to avoid any harassment about the situation. Remembering this, Phil realised that he had a big part to play in the beginning about them keeping their relationship a secret. At first they had hinted at it so that only their subscribers and followers would guess, but after all the arguments Dan had with his parents, they both decided to make it even less obvious. So many things had led to them hiding their relationship from the world, and Phil could hardly blame Dan for being scared of changing something which they’d been doing for seven years. Phil sighed, staring at without watching the boring daytime TV. He was shocked out of his thoughts by the doorbell ringing.

Phil got up lazily and wondered what the postman would think about seeing someone answer the door at past two pm in his pyjamas. He wondered if it was the same postman as it had always been and if he would try and strike up a conversation about how Phil’s life in London was going. Phil reached the door and opened it.

Dan stood on the doorstep in his long black coat, black long-sleeved t-shirt, and black jeans. Phil’s heart stopped and breathing hitched as stared in shock at Dan. Dan gave him a half-smile that didn’t reach his eyes, then tears appeared and started to make his eyes shine brighter than clear crystals. Phil rushed towards him and wrapped him in a hug, clinging his arms around Dan’s body and lifting his head slightly to breathe in the scent of Dan’s hair. They stayed like that for what felt like eras, Dan sobbing into Phil’s soft pyjamas and Phil letting the tears silently stream down his face and soak into Dan’s hair and neck.

They finally moved away, and both wiped the tears from their eyes and gave out quiet laughs. Phil moved back and held the door open for Dan, who walked into the hallway and shook off his coat. Phil stood silently in the hallway watching Dan try to dry his cheeks with his shirt and collect himself.

‘A cup of tea?’ Phil suggested with a smile.

Dan gave out a sound which was both a laugh and a sigh, looked at Phil through red and teary eyes and said, ‘Yeh.’

  *                              *                            *

Phil made them both cups of tea and said nothing. Dan leaned on the kitchen wall watching him. They both moved into the living room and sat down on the sofa, exhaled, and prepared to have the long conversation that needed to occur.

‘How have you been?’ Phil asked with trepidation, not knowing how to start this conversation. There had been very few times in which neither of them knew what to say to each other, and it was disconcerting. However, simply the fact that Dan was here made everything feel like it would be OK.

‘Shit. You?’ Dan replied.

‘Yeh, pretty bad.’ Phil said with a smile, then sipped his tea.

Dan smiled at Phil saying nothing then said, ‘Phil. I’m really sorry. Like, really sorry. I was a complete dick.’

‘No, it’s OK. I shouldn’t have walked out.’

‘I can’t believe you haven’t done that before to be honest. And I completely deserved it.’ Dan said.

‘No. I really should have stayed and we could have talked it through. I just needed to get out, you know.’

‘Yeh, I completely understand. If I were you I would’ve been really angry and upset with me as well.’

‘I was just upset with the whole situation. I couldn’t deal with it anymore.’

‘I understand I really do… and I’ve had a lot of time to think it all through… and I completely agree with you. This shit with us hiding all the time is just fucking shit up now. And I’m not just saying this because I know that it’s what you want. I really do mean it. I don’t give a fuck about how it may affect our careers or bullshit like that, I just want us to be happy.’ Dan’s words were rushed and he tried hard to make his sentiments clear without them being deconstructed by the swathes of emotions that swam through his body and mind.

Phil smiled, then looked down at his hands and prepared what he was going to say next very carefully, because it was something which meant so much to him. ‘I just want us to be happy to, and… Dan…I want you to know that I never thought you would break up with me.’

Dan looked at Phil, as if he were trying to look past his eyes to somewhere deeper than the depths of the Pacific Ocean.

‘I haven’t had those doubts in a long time,’ Phil continued, ‘but over the past week I just generally haven’t been feeling OK… and I know I should have talked to you about it… but I didn’t really know what was wrong. And when I left after the argument I want you to know that I still never ever had the intention of actually ending, this… us. And like, even when I asked you if you didn’t want to tell people about us because you thought we’d break up… I still knew that my doubts weren’t anything to do with you…’

‘I know that Phil…’

‘…wait, I need to say this.’ Phil looked down at his hands because he knew that it was easier to say his next words without looking at Dan. ‘I’ve known from very early on that this was it. You know, you.. me… like, this is it. Forever.’ Phil exhaled and summoned the courage to look at Dan. He was leant against the back of the sofa, his hands crossed over his legs, and his head down. Phil could see his dimples prominently dented into his soft cheeks. He was biting his bottom lip and trying to conceal a wide smile. He finally looked up at Phil, moved towards him, and hugged him tightly.

‘I love you.’ Dan whispered into Phil’s ear. ‘I’ll always be with you.’ Dan pressed his face into Phil’s neck and clung to him tightly. He then said quietly so that the vibrations of his voice sung through Phil’s body, ‘Forever.’

Phil smiled and cried. He let Dan hold him and support his body as his emotions crumbled. Throughout everything, Phil had always known that the world could burn around them, that their island could crash into the sea, that the rocks could erode and leave them stranded, and through everything it wouldn’t matter because the world around them was not paradise; paradise was them.

Dan moved back, then wiped the tears from Phil’s cheeks and grinned.

‘For fucks sake, you’re being more emotional than me!’ He joked endearingly.

Phil laughed through his sniffs and final tears. He hugged Dan briefly once more, then rose from the sofa. ‘Right.’ He stated firmly, ‘I want to go on a walk.’

‘A walk?’ Dan said in overemphasised exasperation. ‘Why the fuck would I want to go on a fucking walk?’

Phil laughed and said, ‘It’s a nice day. I need to get out of the house. And I want to go on a walk.’ He then grinned at Dan before rushing out of the room and going upstairs to get changed.

Dan was left alone, smiling after Phil at the open living room door. He closed his eyes, collapsed back onto the sofa, and let the feeling of everything feeling completely perfect wash over him. Phil was here with him, he would always be with him, and that would always make everything seem that bit more perfect.

  *                              *                            *

They both trundled along the country lanes and over the rolling bridle paths up into the hills. The air was serene and empty. The ochre and red leaves patterned the well-trodden paths like magical carpets in ancient fairy tales. The smell of bonfires and soaked-through mud swirled in olfactory eddies over the countryside and reminded them both of simple November evenings watching fireworks and eating marshmallows. They both walked in silence for a while, contented with just being next to each other. Once they had walked slowly up a slight hill, both of them having to stop to get their breath and laugh at how unfit they obviously were, they both stopped at a bench which overlooked the village below. Dan sat down on the old wooden bench, exhausted. As Phil was walking over he saw a Dandelion, its bright sun-yellow petals singing from the grass. He picked it from the bottom of its stem, walked over to Dan, sat next to him, and silently handed him the flower, tilting on its stem. Dan took it, and eyed Phil with suspicion, embarrassment, and a bemused grin.

Phil smiled and said quietly, ‘I picked you a Dandelion. Because it reminds me of us.’

Dan could tell from Phil’s expression that he was highly self-aware of how cute this was. Dan was also as joyous at the adorkableness of the gesture, as he was by the absolutely horrific pun. Dan gave out a quiet laugh, then flung his arm over Phil and kissed his head. Phil giggled at his own stupid joke and looked out over the vista.

‘Oh my god, Phil.’ Dan said, then burst out laughing as well. Phil leant on Dan and they both stared off into the ethereal blue skies and verdant hills and fields, so still the view may have been a painting. The only movement for miles around was a bright yellow Dandelion, spinning in eternal circles through the air, held between Dan’s fingers.

 


	10. Chapter X

Dan and Phil walked slowly back to Phil’s parents’ house. The sun was low in the sky, deepening the azure, blue, clear sky and showering the sparsely covered tree boughs with a glowing gold light. The canopies of the woodland let in fractured light which littered the muddy path they walked upon. With no one else around, they held each other’s hands and warmed their fingers with each other’s heat. Phil’s thoughts were almost empty in the most beautiful way. He could feel the biting October wind on his cheeks, the slight heat of the low lying sun on his hair, the warmth of Dan’s fingers clasped around his own. A brook wound in a low ditch on the side of the path, carrying twigs and autumn leaves down the hillside. Sparrows and colourful Jays fluttered in bursts from branches and squirrels flew in acrobatic jumps between the old ancient trees. The whispering crackle of leaves crunching under their footsteps sounded like dying campfires, the birdsong sounded like harp music carrying on the breeze, everything felt clear and utterly perfect.

Phil realised that this was the feeling he had yearned for when they had been holed up in their boxed-in London flat. Freedom comes in varying shapes and sizes. All too readily he had assumed that the looming secret of their relationship was the last door to unlock before tumbling fields and open skies would lie in front of them. But sometimes it’s easier to not look past the obvious. Or really, Phil hadn’t taken into account the most obvious cause for his recent worries about their relationship. He had been too quick to assume that the complex issue of them telling people about them was at the crux of his recent anxiety, and that the emotional state of their relationship was making him uncomfortable in the geographical space of their flat. Being out here, with the complicated city life a distant memory, Phil realised that their geographical space was the thing infringing on their emotional state. It was not their relationship which was making him uncomfortable being cooped up in their flat, it was being cooped up in their flat which was making him uncomfortable with their relationship. His love for Dan had never faltered, he had just mistaken cabin fever for relationship issues. With the sharp wind filling his lungs, his legs feeling energised from the walk, and Dan’s hand clasped on his, everything felt clear, as if he had been looking through clouds which had cleared and left a sharp focus on reality.

People had told him that touring and travelling would change his life, but he had always assumed that they meant it would impact only the months they were visiting new places, and leaving him with memories that stayed in the past. But Phil realised that touring had changed the future more than it had those few months. They both needed to accept that their outlook on life had changed, and the desire to live their lives beyond the confines of their home had stuck.

  *                           *                            *

They returned back to Phil’s parents’ house. It was warm, bathed in a homely warm light, and there was chatter from the kitchen. They both took off their coats and kicked off their shoes then Dan followed Phil sheepishly into the kitchen. Dan suddenly, with the knowledge that Phil’s parents were here was overcome with that awkward shyness of being a guest in someone’s house. Although he had been here many times before and Phil’s parents had always told him that he should treat this house like another home, it didn’t stop that overly British sensibility which caused him to act as polite as he possibly could when in another’s home. He was also aware that he was currently here uninvited and they weren’t expecting him, so Dan withdrew into himself even more and prepared to spurt out all the niceties and pleasantries he had learned as a child. Dan also knew that Phil would have told his parents about their argument, and the feeling that they may think badly of him, or that he had let them and their son down made Dan panic.

When they both entered the kitchen, Phil’s parents stopped talking and looked slightly taken aback at Dan being there. Phil’s mum noted that her son was smiling, and the emotional weight of yesterday had completely gone. You could be completely lacking in any intuition yet still assume that they had patched things up. She was relived and not one bit surprised that they had sorted things out. She had been as sympathetic as possible to her son, but had not been worried about him. She knew that him and Dan had gone through so much together and it would take the unimaginable for them to break up, so she had comforted Phil, yet been unable to dismiss the knowledge that they would ultimately be fine. Dan stood awkwardly behind Phil, obviously embarrassed to have arrived unannounced. It was sweet of him to still feel as though he needed to stand on ceremony at their house, even though he knew that he was more than welcome here.

‘Dan!’ She exclaimed, and rushed over to hug him, enveloping him in a tight hug. She drew away from him and softly placed her hands on his arms, looking up into his face and smiling. ‘It’s so nice to see you! Would you like a cup of tea?’ She said, then hurriedly walked over to the kettle to fill it with water regardless of his reply.

‘Erm, yeh, thanks.’ He responded shyly.

Phil’s dad walked over and shook his hand, giving Dan a kind smile and saying, ‘Lovely to see you, Dan.’ Dan smiled at him, shook his hand, then jammed it back in his pockets. He glanced over at Phil who was smiling at him, which made Dan feel a bit more at ease.

‘I expect you’re both hungry.’ Phil’s mum said from the other side of the kitchen. ‘It’s a good thing I bought some extra food today. I was thinking of making a chicken curry, would that be OK for you, Dan?’

‘Yeh, that would be lovely, thanks.’ Dan replied.

‘Great.’ Phil’s mum said as she poured the boiling water and threw some tea bags into an old cream coloured tea pot. She then turned around and smiled at them, leaning on the cooker. ‘So have you two sorted everything out then?’

Phil looked at Dan, then back at his mum. ‘Yeh. We’re good.’ He said, then looked back at Dan who was smiling at him.

Phil’s parents couldn’t conceal their smiles. Phil’s mum walked over to them both, reached up and pulled them both in to hug her, causing Dan to let out a shocked, ‘Oh.’

She pushed them away from her, and patted them both on their cheeks, fully aware of how embarrassing she was being and revelling in it. Dan blushed and scrunched his eyes, becoming increasingly awkward. She then turned to Phil and smirked at him as he rolled his eyes, recalling memories of when she would continue to treat him like a child in front of his friends when he was trying to be a cool teenager.

‘Nawww, pet. Look at you all smiley.’ She said endearingly, in a motherly tone.

She then returned to the pot of tea, poured the water into four mugs and added the milk. Handing two to Dan and Phil she said, ‘Careful, they’re hot. And to let you know, tea will be ready at about seven thirty.

Dan took a moment to work out that by tea, she meant dinner. Sometimes Phil would occasionally use the word tea instead of dinner, but since moving down south he had stopped using so many Northern colloquialisms. They both exited the kitchen and went into the living room to watch some TV.

  *                           *                            *

About half an hour later Dan’s phone rang. Tim, their manager’s name lit up on the screen and Dan silently showed it to Phil. Neither of them had answered any emails or calls from him, and he was probably confused as to why they hadn’t responded immediately to the great offer from the BBC.

‘Let me talk to him,’ Phil said.

Dan then handed him the phone and turned the TV on mute.

‘Hi, it’s Phil… yeh sorry about that, a few things came up and we couldn’t respond… yeh I have seen it… erm, well could we call you back in half an hour to discuss it… great… yep…. OK then, talk soon, bye.’ Phil hung up the phone and passed it back to Dan who looked at him with worry.

‘OK. I’ve been thinking,’ Phil said, ‘I know it sounds like I’m changing my mind every second, and we literally just decided on uploading the video, but maybe you’re right, and now isn’t a good time.’

‘Right…’ Dan said, confused at Phil’s sudden change of heart.

‘Being here and just getting out the house has made me feel a whole lot better… and I was thinking… that, like, maybe I just got cabin fever from not really leaving the flat after the tour…’

‘This whole thing has just been you needing to leave the house?’ Dan said with exasperation.

Phil grimaced, smiled and looked away, ‘Yeh… maybe.’

‘Phiiiil!’

‘But we did need to talk through this stuff anyway… and I wasn’t to know that since returning from the tour I need to maybe go outside more… I’ve never felt like this before and I’ve always liked never really leaving home, so I just assumed it wasn’t that.’

Dan stared at Phil with playful annoyance. He basically agreed with him that they had needed to have this conversation anyway, and he found it more funny than frustrating that this whole massive argument had been because his stupid boyfriend didn’t realise leaving the flat for weeks on end would be bad for his mental state. ‘You’re so annoying.’ Dan told him with a smile, covering his face with his hand.

‘I’m sorry,’ Phil laughed. ‘I mean, we’re probably going to need to tell people at some point. And at least I’ve worked out why I was feeling so bad recently. And I know that it was definitely nothing to do with us.’ Phil said, trying to placate Dan and mitigate his rather rash decision to leave Dan in the midst of an argument and travel up North. Phil would’ve felt worse about all the pain he had put them both through, had he not known that these conversations had needed to happen at some point or another. Phil knew, and had always known that their relationship was theirs, no one else’s. It wasn’t even a secret really as their friends and family knew, it was just their audience who didn’t. They were always, and would always be in their right to not disclose anything about it, and only when they both thought that it was either unavoidable or better for them that they told everyone, would they do that. Now that Phil had realised that he had been feeling trapped in by their flat rather than their “secret”, did he now feel comfortable in the knowledge that there was no pressure for them to tell anyone else about them.

Dan laughed into his hand, then stared at Phil with ostentatious, feigned annoyance.

‘I can’t believe you sometimes,’ Dan told him, with love. He then reached into his pocket and got his phone out again, and dialled Tim’s number.

They talked to Tim on speakerphone and agreed to the meeting with the BBC, saying that they were very interested in starting to work for them again. They sorted out a time and date for the meeting and Tim said he would call them back in the next few days once the BBC had contacted him.

Once the call was over, Phil leaned and snuggled into Dan’s chest and they continued watching the banal gameshow that was currently on TV. Phil’s mum called them for dinner and Dan enjoyed chatting casually to Phil’s parents and eating a dinner that wasn’t their boring cooking or takeout pizza. Dan felt completely at home and part of the family. He no longer worried that Phil’s parents thought anything untoward about him after their argument, and they continued to treat him like he was another son. They talked about their plans with the BBC and then spoke about Phil’s parent’s jobs. Dan joined in when they were embarrassing Phil with childhood stories and they all laughed together.

  *                           *                            *

After dinner, they both helped wash up the plates and then they both returned to Phil’s room. Dan was exhausted having not slept properly last night, being slightly hungover this morning, catching two trains to Phil’s parent’s house, then being dragged on a walk. Phil leant him some loose tracksuit bottoms and an old t-shirt to sleep in seeing as Dan had been too consumed with just getting to Phil to think about if he needed to bring anything. They both sat on Phil’s bed, with the duvet pulled over them, watching some anime on a laptop that rested on Phil’s lap. Dan lay down and snuggled into Phil’s side, resting his head on Phil’s chest. He shut his eyes, listening to the Japanese voices and feeling Phil’s body rise and fall, letting the warmth of his skin and clothes lull him into slumber.

If he had been less exhausted, Dan would have kissed Phil everywhere and fucked him slowly. But right now, it was enough that he was here next to him, that Phil was beside him, that they were simply together.

  *                           *                            *

They both woke up early the next morning, Phil sprawled across the bed and Dan still snuggled into his chest. Phil yawned, opened his eyes drearily, then looked down at Dan who was curled up beside him. The duvet hid half his face which was relaxed and peaceful. He looked so beautiful Phil’s chest hurt, and having him here next to him almost made him cry with happiness. Life could feel so complicated and full of meetings and issues and plans, but Dan made everything seem so simple. When the world was so cloudy and murky, the clarity and purity of Dan’s love made everything OK. Phil slid down towards his face and kissed him softly, as though Dan’s lips were made of feather-thin leaves of gold. Dan smiled and hummed into the kiss, slowly awakening from his dreams. He didn’t open his eyes, simply kissed back equally as softly and moved his hand to rest it on Phil’s side. They moved their lips delicately until they slowly parted, clinging on to the last feeling of each other’s touch. Dan opened his eyes and grinned, ‘Morning.’ He said with a husky, breathy, and broken voice.

‘Morning,’ Phil responded, then kissed him briefly once more and dragged his body out from the warm bed.

Dan watched Phil as he slowly pulled off his old, loose t-shirt and grabbed another from his open suitcase. Dan pushed himself up and leant on the back of the bed, watching Phil with a smile. His eyes lingered over Phil’s shoulders blades that stuck out and reminded Dan of stories which said shoulder blades are where people used to have wings when we were angels. Looking at Phil now, he could believe that. Dan’s eyes wandered down to the curve of Phil’s back. He bit his lip as Phil reached his arms up to put on the new t-shirt which elongated his body and showed every single muscle. Phil then pulled his pyjama bottoms off leisurely and bent over to pull on some new boxers. Dan bit down harder on his lip, smirked, and glared his eyes at Phil, who was still bent over, very slowly pulling his boxers on. Dan could tell that Phil was doing this on purpose. He could have easily gone to the bathroom, or sat down on the bed, or been a bit quicker in getting dressed, yet he had decided to take off his clothes as slowly as possible, then give Dan a full show as he bent over right in front of him. Cheeky sod.

Phil turned around and caught Dan still biting his lip and staring intently halfway down Phil’s body. Phil gave him a cheeky grin, bent to grab Dan’s discarded clothes from yesterday and chucked them at his face.

‘Hey!’ Dan shouted as his jeans hit him in the face and his mind was sharply brought away from the intense pictures he was imagining. ‘Phiiil, it’s so early. Why don’t you just come back to bed?’ Dan said, and raised an eyebrow.

Phil smirked at him and crossed his arms. ‘We should have breakfast with my parents before they go to work and say goodbye to them. Then we can go home, where we’ll be alone, and not in my childhood bedroom.’ Phil said, annunciating the final words so that Dan got the point he was trying to make.

‘Erghhhhh.’ Dan moaned and collapsed back into the bed shutting his eyes. ‘Fine. You go downstairs. I need to calm down after the show you just gave me. I hate you, by the way.’

Phil laughed, very pleased with himself, then left and shut the door behind him.

  *                           *                            *

They had eaten a breakfast of cereal and toast with Phil’s parents then said goodbye to them as they left for work, telling them that they would visit again soon. Phil then packed his suitcase and they started the three and a quarter hour journey back home. The train journeys had been hell for Dan. Phil was in a cheeky as fuck mood and would occasionally get way too close to Dan when he knew no one was looking. On the train from Manchester to London Dan had borrowed Phil’s laptop to check through some emails. He had his laptop on his lap, and Phil looked down and started asking to look at an email Dan had just read. Phil then proceeded to place his fingers on the touchpad and rest most of his hand on Dan’s crotch which made him inhale sharply, then glare at Phil. Phil pretended that he didn’t realise what he was doing and started to scroll down the emails, causing the palm of his hand to stroke up and down softly over Dan’s jeans.

‘I’m literally going to hit you in a second.’ Dan threatened quietly.

‘What?’ Phil said innocently whilst biting down on a smile. ‘I wanted to check the email from Tim.’

Phil then found whatever email he was pretending to find, moved his fingers even further down the touchpad so practically his entire hand was now resting over Dan’s slowly growing crotch. He then slowly pressed down, pushing his hand further down onto Dan. Dan realised that his breathing had become laboured, and his heartbeat was beating quickly. He suddenly grabbed Phil’s hand and pushed it away, then slammed the MacBook shut, moving it up to cover his entire lap, then looked with aggressive intensity out the window.

‘Whaaat?’ Phil laughed.

‘I hate you.’ Dan said quietly as Phil giggled beside him.

The rest of the journey was full of Phil making awful innuendoes, some on purpose, others not. Then finding any excuse to get way too close to Dan. He shoved his crotch in Dan’s face when he stood up to go to the bathroom, then literally reached into Dan’s pocket to get out Dan’s phone with the excuse that Dan had the taxi numbers saved on his phone. In the taxi, Phil rested his hand on Dan’s thigh then slowly moved it up throughout the journey, knowing that the taxi driver couldn’t see anything as Dan had placed Phil’s rucksack on his lap.

  *                           *                            *

When they reached their flat, Phil opened the door and went up the stairs first, lifting his suitcase in front of him. During the flight of stairs up to their door, and then the stairs which were straight after their door, Dan had to watch Phil’s arse all the way. Phil was also grunting particularly loudly as he lugged the suitcase up the stairs. Having carried it earlier, Dan knew that it was fairly light, and all this noise was highly unnecessary. Once Phil had placed the suitcase in their hall and turned on the lights, Dan dropped Phil’s backpack onto the floor, rushed at Phil and kissed him languidly as he pushed him against the wall. The kiss was fervent and Dan could feel Phil smile as they pressed their lips together.

‘You’re such a shit.’ Dan said out of breath, as their lips parted.

Phil simply smirked at Dan and taunted him with his eyes. Dan pulled him by his jeans towards him and kissed him passionately, pushing his tongue between Phil’s lips and licking at his tongue. Dan then pulled off his own shirt then almost ripped Phil’s as he dragged it over his body.

‘Bedroom. Now.’ Dan demanded in a husky voice.

Phil bit on his lip and smiled, enjoying Dan being so wound up. He moved slowly into the bedroom which caused Dan to push him quickly through the door and then onto the bed. Once Phil had collapsed on the bed, Dan pulled Phil’s shoes, socks, jeans and boxers off hurriedly, then started to undo his own belt whilst staring with intensity up and down Phil’s stretched out body. He kicked off his shoes, and pushed his jeans, boxers, and socks off his body then crawled slowly over Phil. Their kisses became deeper and deeper until they both had to break them to gasp for air. Dan started to kiss down Phil’s torso then lick at his nipple, causing Phil to let out a moan, thick with arousal. This made Dan even more turned on as he began to trace down Phil’s body with his tongue until he reached his thigh then bit gently at the skin there. Phil continued to let out whines and gasps. They were both painfully hard, but Dan wanted to make him suffer and wait after the shit he’d put Dan through on the journey home. Dan moved his tongue up the crease of Phil’s thigh and groin, brushing his cheek on Phil’s hard cock. He then moved quickly back up Phil’s body and kissed him again, pressing their bodies against each other so that his dick rubbed against Phil’s.

Dan then grabbed the lube from the cabinet beside the bed and smothered his fingers with the liquid. He then continued to kiss Phil with urgency as he moved his hand down between them and put his middle finger into Phil. Phil gasped and whimpered as he stopped kissing Dan. Phil tried to push his body up into Dan so that he could press his dick between their bodies again, but Dan was too far above him. Phil moved his hand between them and grabbed Dan, trying to urge him on to go faster. This caused Dan to stretch Phil even further with more fingers, relishing the affect he was having on him and slowly rocking his body into Phil’s hand.

Dan moved his fingers out of Phil, causing him to give out a pained whimper. Dan then rolled Phil over, bent his knees up and told him, ‘Don’t you fucking dare touch yourself,’ knowing that this would be over far too soon if Phil did that. Dan then knelt on the bed behind Phil and slowly swirled his tongue around Phil’s ring, hearing Phil gasping and moaning into the pillow and noting that he was gripping tightly at the covers beside him.

‘Fuck!’ Dan heard Phil scream into the material as he plunged his tongue into Phil. Dan then grabbed more lube, smothered himself in it, and slowly pushed himself into him. Phil screamed out in pleasure and Dan grabbed his body and pulled him up to his knees so that Dan’s torso was pressed hard onto Phil’s arched back. Dan held Phil tightly to his body with one hand pressed against Phil’s chest, whilst his other hand gripped Phil’s hair and swerved his head back and round to meet Dan’s lips. Dan pushed deeper into Phil as he kissed him and heard Phil moan into his own lips. Dan moved slowly into Phil, then when he couldn’t bare it any more, pulled out, pushed Phil down onto the bed, flipped him over and pulled Phil’s legs over his own shoulder’s. He then thrust inside Phil hard, making Phil swear again and pushed in and out of him whilst he watched with wide and passionate eyes as Phil enjoyed every thrust. Dan knew where to hit to make Phil scream, which he proceeded to do and saw Phil swear loudly as he shut his eyes and hit his clenched fists onto the bed.

Just watching Phil be so turned on made Dan move faster and harder. He started to stroke Phil firmly. Phil swore, moaned loudly, and shouted Dan’s name.

‘Fuck. Oh, fuck.’ Dan whispered, his body close to the edge. As he started to cum he pushed deeper into Phil and firmed his grip on Phil’s dick making Phil cry out with complete pleasure. Phil arched his back and whispered screams into the hot air around them as he came over himself and Dan. Dan stroked Phil through his pleasure, and thrust a few more times into Phil, riding out his own orgasm. Dan gasped, and moved down to kiss Phil, keeping their bodies entwined and together as they both kissed and caught their breath. Whilst Dan was still inside Phil, he broke off their slow kiss, and with deep passion whispered into Phil’s ear, ‘Forever.’

 


	11. Chapter XI

Early December, 2016

A brisk wind funnelled through the old London streets, swirling through the material of long winter coats making them look like black bullfighter capes. City denizens clad in deep blue and night black suits and coats carried long umbrellas like walking sticks, tapping them intermittently like metronomes on the concrete pavements. Phil had decided to go out for a coffee. He had found an old independent coffee shop a thirty-minute walk from their flat and had noted when he first ventured there that it would be a lovely place to sit and read. He had kept good on his promise to break the mundanity of staying in their flat and only leaving for work or social events. Over the past month or so he had gone on walks or browsed around bookshops that hid between quiet lanes in the city, keeping as quiet and unassuming as their customers. This coffee shop was normally sparse in patrons and its clientele were mainly older men and women who had the time and money to enjoy the peace which one could find in this bustling city.

Phil entered off the cold winter street into the warm and inviting coffee shop, noting how nice it was to buy a hot drink from somewhere less commercial and franchised than Starbucks. This place had a charm, and the people within were here with purpose. Anyone could walk into a Starbucks, but people here had sought out this place specifically. It gave the space the air of a secret, for members of the community only, a hidden treasure for only the observant to find. The air was thick with the deep and sensual smell of coffee beans, and the sounds floating around were of quiet polite chatter and the clinking of delicate spoons on mismatched porcelain saucers.

Phil ordered a cappuccino and a swirled pastry, then sat down at a table by the window. The street outside wasn’t too busy. It was two o’clock so most people had returned to their offices. No tourists had veered off the usual main roads down this quiet street, and it was too cold a day for many people to want to walk around the old back streets of London. A chirpy mother walked past, holding the hand of a young girl who was engulfed by a woollen scarf. Phil imagined that they were catching up on her day at school, the finger-painting, the nursery rhymes, and the nice teacher who taught them about rainforest animals.

Two elderly ladies sat on a table in front of Phil. Without meaning to he overheard their conversation about how their gardens were doing, and the toil of persevering with keeping them in check through the cold weeks of December.

Phil felt alone, but not lonely. It was the feeling of being so incredibly aware that this time was for him, and him alone, but that Dan was a short walk away. He was simply there. Phil imagined him planning video ideas, or browsing the internet, huddled in a blanket and mindlessly passing away the day. They had loved each other for a long time, but every week the tone of their love had changed. Some weeks it would feel like deep red, consuming and burning. Other days it would feel duck egg blue, calming and quiet like an undisturbed pond where the sounds of the forest were heightened in their volume. This week, it felt like deep royal purple, relaxing and comforting in its intensity. Phil finished his coffee and pastry whilst regarding with nostalgia and peace the varying people who would walk past. He then collected his things, put on his coat, and re-entered the chilly afternoon.

  *                           *                             *

Rather than walk home the same way he came, he decided to stay on the quieter roads and slowly glance at the old town houses that lined the streets. He had never been along these streets and enjoyed silently judging the aestheticism of each house. With his cold hands jammed into his pockets and his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck, he leisurely pondered about the different lives led in London; the multitudinous citizens and the peculiarly varied lives.

He came upon a crescent of old Georgian terraced houses, the ground floor exteriors being large white stone slabs, and the upper two floors being smog-blackened brown bricks. The windows of each house were expansive with large panes, around which were Greek-styled frames and triangular stone pediments. The first floor windows had tiny railings on small balconies surrounding them, the roof had beautiful crown moulding spanning each house, each door was painted in a different colour, and an ornate black, iron fence separated each house from the stone paved path outside. Each house was two rooms wide, and had four stories, three above ground and a basement. They were beautiful, old and idyllic. A small wintry park lay inside the crescent and an old stone church stood on the street corner nearby. The lampposts were old and Victorian, and there were hardly any pedestrians. They looked like the houses of old writers, Victorian detectives, and young Professors with perfect children. Each house probably had a beautiful garden, full with lavender and rosemary bushes. As Phil left this beautiful road which had stayed exactly the same for hundreds of years, he noted its name, just in case… well, just in case.

  *                           *                             *

Back at the flat he found Dan exactly as he had imagined him, covered in the thick wool material of a throw and intently staring at his MacBook screen. Phil shook off his coat, lay it on the back of one of the dining chairs, and sat down next to Dan, lying his head on Dan’s shoulder and looking at his screen.

‘Nice walk?’ Dan asked, then moved his arm over Phil and wrapped it around his shoulders.

‘Yeh. Really nice.’ Phil responded, still not quite extricated from the interior thoughts which he’d been located within for the past few hours.

They both felt like they needn’t say anything. Phil was happy to watch Dan scroll through tumblr, then check various emails when notifications popped up on his screen.

Phil couldn’t help thinking about the houses he had seen earlier. He glanced around their living room, crammed bookshelves, blank walls where no pictures could be hanged, and sighed.

‘You OK?’ Dan asked, still not diverting his eyes from his MacBook.

‘Yeh.’ Phil replied absentmindedly. He then got up off the sofa, grabbed his laptop from his bedroom and went upstairs to their office. He turned on his screen and searched Google for the name of the street, double checked that it was the right place, then scrolled through the google search results to see if there was any information on house prices. He knew that this was a bit silly, it was kind of like when he would spend hours on Google Maps looking at the roads in far-off island resorts just in case he ever wanted to travel there. Phil dismissed the actual possibility that he was checking out if there were house listings for any reason other than a curiosity which would lead nowhere. Pushing any thoughts of why he might actually be serious about this to the back of his mind, he clicked on Foxton’s Real Estate Agent’s website and found a house on that street up for sale. He looked through each photo of the interior, noting the beautiful white walls and homely kitchen. The photograph of the garden was equally as beautiful, showing an old English garden with overgrown bushes, an ornate iron table with chairs, and vines crawling along the old stone walls that enclosed the beautiful space. Phil then returned to the information page and found the price of the house. He stared at it for a while. He knew that a house in London would be expensive, and this was expensive. But he knew roughly their finances and it could work. Phil grabbed a pen from the table and started to chew its end, twirling it between his fingers and just staring at the price of the house. A feeling of motivation stuck him, so he pushed his MacBook to the back of his desk, the got up to find the folder with their finances in it.

  *                           *                             *

He spent the next two hours tallying the prices of their rent and bills per year, then the profits from their tour and book. He then calculated revenue from their videos and the profits from the next book and their merchandise. He put all this information onto a spreadsheet on his computer and tried to work everything out.

When Dan opened the door, Phil almost jumped out of his seat. He turned around laughing, his hand held over his chest.

Dan looked at him in confusion, being taken aback by the piles of folders and sheets of calculations that lay in front of Phil. ‘Errr… Phil, what are you doing?’

Phil became flustered, making sure that the spreadsheet rather than the web page of the house was showing on his screen. ‘I… I just thought it would be good to look over the finances.’

‘Right… For any particular reason?’ Dan said slowly, looking quizzically at him.

‘Erm, no. I just kinda felt like looking over it.’ Phil said innocently.

Dan gave him another wary glance. It wasn’t actually too unlike Phil to suddenly start to look over their business accounts. At the end of the day, it was their jobs and as much as they tried to avoid it, this was their livelihood and they needed to keep on top of it. And seeing Phil, lounged back in their desk chair, black glasses on, and business folders strewn in front of him, was pretty sexy. Dan smiled at him, walked over and placed his hands on the armrests of the chair and leaned over Phil, then kissed him.

‘Well, don’t work too hard.’ He said with a smirk, then left the room saying that he was ordering some pizza.

Phil stared after him with a peaceful smile playing at his lips. He then swung back around to face the desk and continue with all the calculations until he heard the doorbell downstairs chime, letting him know that the pizza had arrived.

  *                           *                             *

Dan could tell that Phil was being even quieter than usual and that something was playing on his mind. He didn’t push it though. They sat quietly eating pizza and watching TV, both of them lost in their thoughts, Phil about his recent overwhelming ideas about their future, and Dan about his fears about what Phil had been up to all evening. Dan thought about what it could be. Phil had returned from his walk lost in his own inner monologue, then retreated upstairs to check over mountains of files and calculate their finances. It seemed like the only obvious explanation was that something wasn’t right about their business; perhaps Phil had realised some missing money, or that their taxes were wrong, or something along those lines. Dan tried to think over their last tax returns and the last meeting with the accountant, working out if there had been any hints recently of something going array. Yet, he could think of nothing. They had been doing particularly well this year, and although they tried to avoid financial conversations in order to try and separate their business from their relationship, the few conversations they’d had hadn’t spelled any disaster.

Once they had finished eating and cleared up the pizza boxes from the living room, Dan couldn’t keep quiet any longer. His mind was now full of fears of varying economic disasters which may be befalling them.

‘Phil, has something gone wrong with our finances?’ Dan tentatively asked.

Phil looked away from the TV programme they were watching and glanced at Dan, then back at the screen. ‘No,’ he replied with confusion.

Dan stared at him for a few seconds, then grabbed the TV remote and turned off the screen. This caused Phil to look back again at him, his eyes darting between Dan and the mid-distance.

‘Then why did you spend all evening looking through our work files? If something has gone wrong, we can sort it out.’ Dan said, this time with a little more firmness.

Phil looked down at his lap, thinking deeply about what he was going to say. Eventually he looked back at Dan and said, ‘No, really, nothing is wrong. Kind of the opposite, the projections for this year are really good.’

‘So why was it so important to look through it today?’ Dan said, still confused but less stressed now that Phil had assured him that they weren’t on the brink of financial devastation.

‘Erm…’ Phil said, trying to think of how to broach this conversation. ‘Wait here, I need to grab my laptop.’ Phil hurried upstairs to collect his laptop and bring it to the living room. He then sat back down next to Dan and opened it.

‘OK, so, today on my way back from getting a coffee, I was walking along some nice roads near Caledonian Road, and… it got me thinking about… I dunno… like finding a place down there?’ Phil said hesitantly.

‘But we already have this flat, and this isn’t too far from that area?’ Dan said, now even more confused.

Phil sighed and placed his MacBook to one side and faced Dan. ‘I know, but the rent here is really expensive, and renting is always a temporary solution and we’re losing money every month. The reason why people buy houses is because it becomes an asset and people have the stability of knowing that they actually own their home. It doesn’t make sense to keep renting, and I know this is super adult and completely boring, but it makes more sense to get on the property market.’

Dan took a moment to let Phil’s words sink in. ‘So you’re saying we should buy a house…?’

Phil exhaled and looked off into the warmly lit living room. ‘Yeh. I love this flat, but we can’t stay here forever, and we’re going to need to buy a place some time in the future, and whilst we’re renting we’re losing more money than if we bought a place.’

‘But buying a house is expensive, especially in London, and then we’d have a mortgage over our heads?’ Dan said, trying really hard to switch his brain from the laziness of the day to thinking about such ridiculously adult things as rental rates and mortgages.

‘Yeh, but we have rent hanging over our heads now. And if we stay here for a few more years and something goes wrong on the business side of things, then we don’t have any assets to fall back on, or the stability of at least owning a home. If we got a house, although we’d have a mortgage, the place would be ours and we could sell it if something went wrong and get back that investment, rather than currently where we’ll never get back any of the money we’re spending on rent.’

Dan ran his hand over his face and scrunched his eyes, trying to think through everything that Phil was saying. He’d had this conversation with his parents a year or so ago, and they’d said a similar thing. Dan could also remember earlier this year when they had both gone for drinks with some of Phil’s friends from university who had been talking about buying a property in Manchester to avoid rising rental costs. ‘OK.’ He finally said. ‘It makes sense, but buying a house is a big commitment, what if we want to move?’

‘I know, but if we did decide to move, then we sell the house with the mortgage, and hopefully gain back the money we first spent and more, then move to somewhere else.’ Phil responded. Phil tended to spend most of his time denying that he needed to fully engage in the adult world, but when he had to look over their taxes, or deal with business stuff, he was fully capable of entering into a business mind-set. He was almost thirty, and the friends around him were becoming increasingly adult, and although he never compared his life with those around him, the conversations about maintenance work on flats, mortgage rates, and issues with rental agreements had slowly crept into his world until he could no longer deny that such adult complications were a part of his life also.

After some consideration Dan said, ‘OK. I know, it makes sense…’ he then paused and said calmly, ‘but Phil, buying a house… it’s a big step… you know?’

Phil looked with a peaceful gaze at Dan, then smiled. ‘I know,’ he said quietly with assurance.

Dan couldn’t help but beam at him. Their lives were so intertwined already, but buying a house together was the adult equivalent of saying that this was definitely it and that their lives were completely shared. The best thing about Phil basically saying this, was that Dan wasn’t at all shocked. He just felt completely happy. Dan leaned over towards Phil, placed his hands gently on his cheeks and kissed him softly, smiling as their lips met.

‘OK.’ Dan said with a grin, their faces still close and Phil’s eyes lighting up behind his thick rimmed glasses.

Phil kissed him back both passionately and playfully, sucking at Dan’s lips and moving so that he was kneeling over him. Dan ran his hands up Phil’s back, feeling his shoulder blades through his thick woollen jumper. Phil’s fingers entwined in the material of Dan’s t-shirt, as he pulled their bodies closer together.

‘Wait… wait.’ Phil said quickly, out of breath.

Dan moved his face back, trying to stop his urge to slam his lips back into Phil’s, pull his boyfriends body down towards him and roll his body up into him. ‘Yeh?’ Dan said, trying to slow his breathing and staring up at Phil’s lips and thinking about kissing and licking at them.

‘I didn’t mention something earlier.’ Phil said.

‘Yeh, what?’ Dan said absentmindedly, still thinking of Phil’s lips, Phil’s body, and what they could be doing right now instead of talking.

Phil smirked at Dan and through giggles said, ‘Dan, you’re not paying attention.’

Dan drew his eyes away from Phil’s lips, only realising then that he was biting down on his own bottom lips which he quickly stopped doing, then looked up into Phil’s eyes.

‘Oh my god, what, Phil?’ Dan said with exasperation through a smile.

Phil moved off Dan, sat back down on the sofa next to him and grabbed his laptop from the coffee table in front of them. He then opened it and opened up the web page with the photograph of the house he’d seen earlier on his walk.

‘What am I looking at?’ Dan said, still slightly salty that their make-out session had been halted.

‘It’s a house I saw today. Do you like it?’ Phil said with trepidation.

Dan looked at the photograph and took in the beautiful brick house, four stories high, with ornate exterior detailing and a bright blue door. Phil then scrolled through each picture of the interior and the garden. Once they had both looked through each photo silently, Dan rested his arm on the back of the sofa, leant his head on his hand, and stared with complete love at Phil.

‘Did you see this house today on your walk and that’s why you came back and have suddenly thought of this.’ Dan asked lovingly.

Phil giggled and replied, ‘Yes.’

Dan sighed and looked back at the house. It was beautiful, the street looked calm, and he knew that area of London was really pretty. Dan did love the look of the house, sure it wasn’t some modernist architectural masterpiece that he sometimes dreamt of, but it was the house in the dreams he had where him and Phil lived in a quiet, lovely, yet somewhat unassuming house in this city which was now home. ‘So how much is it?’ He asked, deciding to go along with this for now.

‘A lot, but not too much.’ Phil said, then showed the page which had the price of the house. ‘But that’s what I was doing upstairs, I was working out how affordable it is for us, and the difference in buying it, well not necessarily this house, but buying a house in London compared to how much money we’ll be spending on rent and bills here.’

Dan looked at the price, and although it was a lot, he knew that it was doable. ‘OK. And Phil, this doesn’t mean anything, I’m more humouring you, but say if we did decide to buy this house, or a different one, we can’t move out of this place immediately.’

‘Well, I actually checked our tenancy agreement, and if we let the landlord know soon, we could move out of here by February.’

Dan was shocked into silence. Phil was apparently completely and utterly serious about this being an actual thing that could happen. ‘February? Isn’t that rushing things? This is a big decision.’

‘No, I know. I just wanted to check… I’m not saying we should rush into anything, it’s just I saw this house, and just wanted to work out how possible something like this was for us.’

Dan thought about it for a while, sitting in silence and staring at the webpage, glancing at the house details, the photograph at the top, and back at the price. This was a big decision, but it’s not like either of them hadn’t seen it coming. They had both talked about fantasy houses and had been complaining incessantly about the lack of storage here. Dan loved this flat, but they had both had conversations over the past few months about potentially moving somewhere bigger. Phil was right about rent, it didn’t make sense for them anymore to hop between flats, if they were going to move, it was more financially stable and lucrative to buy somewhere. That place needed to be in London for their jobs, needed to be in the right location, needed to be big enough but not small enough, needed to have a garden, and would never realistically be their dream house; although this house wasn’t the house of their dreams, it was perfect. Dan inhaled deeply, then exhaled and said, ‘We’ll call them tomorrow.’

Before Dan knew what was happening, Phil’s lips were pressed tightly to his, his tongue licking at Dan’s lips and hands clinging to Dan’s hair. Dan smiled, trying not to laugh as his boyfriend basically tackled him till he was lying down on the sofa with Phil knelt over him, his hands beginning to slide underneath his shirt and move up his torso. A radiance glowed around Phil and warmed the air around them. Phil felt completely calm despite being so excited. He kissed passionately at Dan’s soft lips and allowed this moment to soar through his whole body. Their lives were becoming so unbreakably intertwined, and the unapologetically sincere decision that they would always be together made every worry in Phil’s mind float off into oblivion. Phil pushed Dan’s t shirt up and kissed at his soft and supple torso, breathing in the smell of sleepy skin and well-worn clothes. To Phil, Dan’s body was like a treasured childhood teddy. He knew every scar from old falls, he knew where he was softest, he knew how to hold him at night when storms raged outside their window, he knew how to bury his face into his hair and breathe in the smell of memories and home.

Dan felt Phil’s warm hands press against his skin and grasp at his hips. He rested his head back and enjoyed the feeling of being kissed everywhere. He let pure bliss wash over him as Phil pulled his jeans off and licking him everywhere. Dan’s eyes were still closed as Phil pulled him up into another kiss and straddled him. Dan kept his eyes closed, letting Phil guide his every movement, guide his lips till their kisses became like ballroom dancing. Guide his hands down Phil’s body beneath his t shirt. Dan could feel Phil’s naked legs and groin press down over his own. He could feel both of their heavy breathing synchronise till their sounds became like waves rolling in and out on a windswept shore. Phil broke their kiss, lifted Dan’s hand up to his own mouth and sucked languidly at his fingers before moving them down and guiding them into him. Dan opened his eyes to see Phil throw his head back and arch his back. He looked fucking stunning. As Dan moved his fingers into Phil, with his other hand he pulled his head forward and kissed him fervently, enjoying Phil’s strained gasps every few seconds. When he felt as though they were ready, Dan pushed Phil’s body up them brought him slowly down as Dan entered him. They both inhaled sharply and held their breath for what felt like eras. Dan then moved both his arms up and clung onto Phil’s hair, resting their foreheads together as Phil rolled his hips. With their foreheads still pressed together and both their eyes closed, Dan moved a hand down to stroke Phil gently. Only stopping to quickly remove both of their t shirts and fling them across the room before returning for a kiss and to rest his fingers once again in Phil’s hair. They became an ocean, one wave on the shore, one sound on the beach, rolling over the sand in hushed whispers and moaning in one breath of wind over sand dunes and hushed grasslands. Time slowed with their bodies. Their worlds became one vista. They could feel nothing but each other as all else ceased to matter.


	12. Chapter XII

Phil woke up at eight thirty am whilst the short December morning still clung to the dark night. His duvet was wrapped around his limbs and he could feel Dan’s body heat pulse like hot heart beats beside him. He remembered their conversation from last night, and smiled to himself thinking about what had been said. He turned his head towards Dan, who was facing away from him, his arms wrapped and folded like a child’s in front of his face. Phil shifted towards him and nuzzled his nose into the dip between Dan’s bare shoulder blades. Phil wrapped an arm over Dan’s waist and felt the heat of his skin radiate into his own.

‘Morning,’ he heard Dan say groggily.

‘Good morning,’ Phil whispered.

Dan sighed and rolled onto his back, stretching out his arms before resting one on Phil’s shoulder who had now snuggled his body into Dan’s side.

They both lay silently for a minute, cherishing the peace and quiet of bed before they would have to get up and deal with the day.

‘So…’ Phil said slightly hesitantly, ‘How do you feel about giving the estate agents a ring today?’ Phil glanced up at Dan who was staring up at the bedroom ceiling.

Dan began to trace circles with his hand on Phil’s shoulder. His brows furrowed for a second and then relaxed before his glanced down at Phil.

‘Yeh. Let’s do it,’ he said through a smile.

Phil shifted his body and lifted his head towards Dan and kissed him slowly.

‘Great,’ Phil said, biting down on his lip to try and control the huge smile which was dancing across his entire face.

  *                            *                              *

After having breakfast and watching a quick episode of anime, they both sat on the sofa in the living room with Phil’s laptop open in front of them, the contact page of the estate agents blaring in professional white tones and smart black font on the screen.

‘Do you want to talk to them?’ Dan asked. Phil knew that Dan definitely didn’t want to call them. Dan hated talking on the phone more than Phil, although both of them would prefer to email or text rather than chance an embarrassing social interaction over the phone.

‘Sure.’ Phil said as he entered the contact number into his phone, and brought it to his ear. Phil’s heartbeat started to rise as he suddenly started panicking about what he was going to say, how one even goes about asking about a house, worrying if he sounded old enough, does he still sound like a child, what if they think he doesn’t sound professional enough and question as to why he is looking to buy a house –

‘Foxton’s estate agents, London. This is Lucy speaking. How can I help you?’ A woman’s voice said over the phone. She sounded professional, letting the continuously repeated words still retain an air of humanity despite her having to repeat them like a machine every day.

‘Erm, hi. I was wondering if you had any house viewings for your property at Callingdon Crescent?’ Phil said, battling with his nerves and trying to sound as adult as possible. Phil didn’t really understand why he was so nervous. He was simply asking to view a house, and he was an adult. A fully grown actual adult who didn’t need to be embarrassed about looking into viewing a house.

‘Of course, I’ll just load the property on my computer and check if we have any available viewing slots.’

‘OK, great.’

Phil waited, glancing at Dan who was sitting next to him and staring down at his phone which he was spinning around between his fingers.

‘Could I take a name please?’ She said abruptly, as Phil heard her tapping into her computer over the phone.

‘Philip Lester.’

‘Perfect. OK, Mr Lester, I have some viewings available today or if that is too short notice we also have some available times tomorrow and Thursday.’

‘Erm…’ Phil said as he was suddenly faced with a new decision. The pressure of answering now over the phone made him even more nervous and the realisation that this was happening, and happening fast overtook every thought in his mind. He looked over at Dan who had heard the gist of what she had said over the phone. Phil asked the lady to wait for a second before he brought the phone away from his ear.

‘They have some viewings today?’ He mouthed, more than whispered at Dan.

Dan looked down once again at his hands, then lifted his head, smiled, and said ‘Sure. Today works.’

Phil looked at him with a mixture of happiness and pride, then returned the phone to his ear and said, ‘Yes, today works fine. What time will that be?’

‘Perfect. OK, well we have a viewing at three o’clock. Would that be OK?’

‘Yep, that’s fine.’

‘Great. My colleague Stephanie will be showing you around the property this afternoon. Will there be anyone else joining you for the viewing, Mr Lester?’

‘Erm yes, my partner will be joining me.’

Dan couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows at hearing Phil refer to him as his ‘partner’. He’d only ever heard Phil refer to him as either his ‘friend’ or ‘boyfriend’, and ‘partner’ sounded so adult – so serious. Dan continued to look down at his hands as he bit back a smile. Dan kind of hated the word partner, it sounded too formal and serious. He knew why Phil had used that term. Phil was trying to sound as adult as possible and probably thought that calling Dan his partner would just add to this air he was creating of being a professional adult who was trying to buy a property. Still, despite it sounding so odd coming from Phil’s lips, Dan enjoyed knowing that the woman on the phone now had an image of Phil as a respectable adult in a serious relationship, and the guy he was serious about was him.

‘Perfect,’ the woman continued as she typed away at her computer. ‘That’s all booked for you. Could I take a contact number please?’

Phil slowly dictated his mobile number, then after confirming the time once more, said goodbye and hung up.

  *                            *                              *

Dan stood rifling through his wardrobe trying to find something respectable to wear to the house viewing. Phil had firmly reminded him that they couldn’t show up in black jeans and t-shirts although he hadn’t given a reason why. Dan’s clothes were either black jeans and a t-shirt, or posh event suits – there was no in between. He finally found a plain black shirt which he’d probably worn to an awards ceremony, then found some generic suit trousers. All of his jumpers were either too artsy or just plain black. For the first time in his life he wished he owned a generic jumper from somewhere unassuming like Marks and Spencer’s. He sighed and got changed into the suit trousers and shirt, then headed into Phil’s room to see if he had a normal and boring jumper going spare. Dan stopped and stared at Phil as soon as he entered his bedroom. Phil was wearing dark blue jeans. Dark blue jeans. Dan didn’t even know that Phil owned any jeans that weren’t black. Phil was also wearing a shirt, it’s top button undone, and a plain maroon sweater. Finally, he wore a plain back suit blazer, had his glasses on, and had pushed his fringe back. Dan stared at him for a second, not quite being able to register how fucking adult and respectable Phil looked.

‘And who the fuck are you?!’ Dan said, leaving his mouth hanging agape as he looked Phil up and down.

Phil grabbed a pair of smart black shoes, sat down on the edge of his bed and started putting them on.

‘What? I don’t want to look weird for the viewing,’ he said as he started tying the laces of his leather shoes.

‘No, you definitely look weird,’ Dan said, still looking at shock at the person he thought was his boyfriend, although he wasn’t so sure now as Phil was barely recognisable.

‘Really? In a bad way?’ Phil said, glancing worriedly at Dan.

‘….. No. Not in a bad way…. Just in a not-Phil way.’

‘Oh, well that’s OK then,’ Phil said then continued to tie his laces. ‘Did you need something?’

‘Erm… yeh. Could I borrow a jumper? I don’t really own anything… appropriate.’ Dan said, still unable to draw his eyes away from this new version of Phil.

Phil said ‘sure’ then got up and looked through his wardrobe, finally finding a dark blue woollen jumper and throwing it at Dan.

Dan murmured a ‘thanks’ then went back to his room, put on the jumper, and found a fairly smart black jacket to put over the top. He then gawked at himself in his full length mirror and raised one eyebrow, staring at himself in an accusatory fashion.

He looked like the people in their late twenties who went to pubs on the weekend with work colleagues. He looked older, he looked like he had his life together. In a final act of completely diverting his aesthetic from his normal style, Dan pushed his fringe back and to the side.

He gave himself one final glance in the mirror, sighed, then headed back to Phil’s room who was sat on his bed looking at his phone. When Dan entered he stood up and said, ‘Ready?’

‘Yeh.’ Dan said, still looking in amazement at the person standing in front of him.

‘You look… different,’ Phil said smiling at Dan.

Dan squinted his eyes and gave Phil an evil stare. ‘Don’t say anything. I’m looking like this for you. We better not run into anyone on the streets because I will die of shame.’

Phil chuckled, moved closer to Dan, and put his arms round his waist. ‘I think you look good.’

Dan rolled his eyes and muttered something inaudible before resting his eyes on Phil again. As much as Phil just didn’t look like Phil, there was something kind of sexy about the way he was dressed. As much as the internet liked to berate him for having a daddy kink, Dan didn’t. Although admiring Phil in an outfit that screamed being a respectable and older guy, Dan kind of saw where they were coming from. Dan thought to himself that maybe he was just ridiculously vanilla, and the reason why Phil looked so fucking hot right now was because he looked dependable, stable, and like the kind of guy you would dream of marrying. He looked like he would be an awesome father, he looked like the kind of guy who would cook family meals, he just looked like someone you could build a life with.

Dan kissed him, slightly knocking Phil’s glasses, then pulled away and walked out of the room before he made them both late for the viewing.

  *                            *                              *

Dan stared up at the crescent of Georgian terraced houses that lined the pavement of Callingdon Crescent. They were beautiful. He took in the park that lay on the other side of the road where bushes and trees bereft of their leaves clung to an ornate black iron fence that encircled with park. The houses were beautiful. Large but unassuming. Antiquated and cosy. They looked like they were somewhere warm and safe.

Outside one of the houses stood a woman holding a clipboard in her delicately manicured fingers. Her hair was an immaculate weave of jet black hair which spun in pristine curls at her shoulders and she was wearing a smart black jacket and a tailored pencil skirt. As she saw them approaching she walked to greet them and held out her hand, giving them a warm smile.

‘Hi, I’m Stephanie, I’m assuming you’re the couple enquiring about the house?’

They both shook her hand as Phil replied that they were, giving his name.

‘Hi. Dan.’ Dan said as he shook her hand.

‘Lovely to meet you both. This is a beautiful house and I’m sure you’ll love it. I’ll show you around and explain everything to you and if you have any question please don’t hesitate to ask.’ Stephanie spoke with conviction and complete professionalism. Dan noted a faint East London accent and felt a bit more calmed by her presence. The walk here had been nerve wracking. Dan hadn’t been sure whether he was worrying about the upcoming adult social interaction or fearing that they may bump into one of their audience.

Stephanie explained briefly about the exterior, pointing out the basement floor and commenting on the delicate wrought iron railings at the front of the house. She then walked up the steps to the door, her stiletto heels clicking on the stone. Once inside the house Dan looked up and around at the beautiful hallway. There was a wooden staircase that curled around the farthest wall under an huge arched window. The hallway was painted red, with oak flooring and large doors that lead to the rooms to the left. Dan glanced and Phil who was looking in slight amazement around at the hall. 

Stephanie showed them round each room; the white wooden kitchen in the basement, the open and light conservatory at the back of the house, the cosy living room complete with a huge wooden fireplace and Georgian period-designed patterned ceiling, the dining room that lay to the front of the house with huge curtains that hung by the side of the window that faced the street, the master bedroom that looked over the garden, the study complete with old bookshelves that lined the walls. Dan and Phil looked at each other and smiled with a mixture of happiness and embarrassment when she showed them the two spare bedrooms, telling them that it was a great house for starting a family as there is lots of space. Stephanie continued her well-rehearsed patter as she continued to show them round the house and lead them to the garden.

Stood in the beautiful winter garden, having spoken to them about the shed, the patio, and how lovely it is to have such a nice outside space despite being so close to the neighbourhood park, Stephanie said, ‘So, what do you guys do?’

‘We work in media,’ Phil replied, hesitant to have to explain further what their actual jobs are.

‘Great! Well, this house is only five minutes from the tube station, and you’re still incredibly close to the centre of London.’ She responded, before continuing to discuss the benefits of living in the area.

Dan let her words slightly wash over him as he slowly glanced around the garden and looked back at the house. He took Phil’s hand and looked at him with a smile. Dan’s nerves about seeing the house and what this would mean had completely dissipated. All he could think of now was moving out and creating a life that was their own in a place like this. He imagined them filling the kitchen cupboards with spices. He imagined Phil placing a wide array of plants in the conservatory. He imagined them having friends round a cooking for dinner parties. He imagined settling down and making the place their own. He even dared for a second to imagine the kind of future they could have, and the kind of family they could potentially have in future years here…

Dan was shaken from his reverie when Stephanie asked them to follow her back into the house. Dan let go of Phil’s hand and followed her back up the few steps and through the door which led them to back into the downstairs hallway. As they walked along the short hallway and stopped to discuss further details about the house, Dan felt Phil’s arm wrap around his back, Phil’s hand holding gently onto his side.

‘It’s really beautiful,’ Phil said as he looked around once more at the expansive hall that spanned two floors upwards.

Stephanie smiled at the couple, noting how cute they were together. She finally let them know that the owners of the house were planning on moving out at the end of March, and that they should let the estate agents know if they were interested in making an offer on the house. She finally reminded them of the price and then gestured politely towards the door, opening it for them, then following them back out onto the street after she had locked up the house.

She once again shook their hands, gave them her business card, and got into a swanky black car that was parked on the road. Dan and Phil looked back up at the house.

‘So… what did you think?’ Phil asked. Dan had been mostly silent during the viewing, so Phil wasn’t sure whether he was hating the place and judging it harshly or whether he was just unaccustomed to such a formal social interaction. Phil worried that Dan’s specific aesthetic tastes wouldn’t match to this place, but Phil had really loved it.

‘I… I kinda love it.’ Dan said, continuing to stare up at the white stone and red bricks of the exterior.

Phil smiled as Dan turned to face him. ‘So… what do we do now?’ Phil asked uncertainly.

Dan sighed with an expression of happy resolution then said, ‘I suppose we buy a house.

 


	13. Chapter XIII

They hadn’t even filmed the video yet but Phil was already worn out. Sprawled on the sofa in the living room, breathing out heavily, and arms aching from carrying the lights, Phil chastised himself for coming up with the ‘gamingmass’ idea. In many ways it was fun and it was a challenge, but god it was hard work.

Phil had come up with the idea at the end of November. Still highly aware that he needed some more purpose in life, he had decided that challenging them both to upload on the gaming channel would be a good idea. The months after the tour where they had both crashed out, tired and exhausted, cooped up in the confines of their flat had not gone well. Uploading daily had seemed like a great idea at first, but the reality of dragging around lights and cameras every day had slightly dampened his spirits. The mornings were dark, the days were cold, and the evenings came around earlier each day.

He heard Dan struggle down the stairs with the camera, swearing loudly as each stamp hit each step. He appeared in the room with the lumbersome camera and tripod, set it down a bit too heavily on the wooden floor, and then collapsed next to Phil.

‘This was such a bad idea,’ he moaned through laboured breaths.

‘And we haven’t even started dancing,’ Phil responded despondently. Phil looked over at Dan who wearing a weird grey parachute-like jumper (which Phil secretly hated). ‘It doesn’t help that you’ve weighed yourself down even more wearing that. You do realise we’re about to dance,’ Phil said overlaying a mocking tone to his voice.

Dan scoffed and replied equally as mockingly, ‘You just don’t know great fashion when you see it.’ Dan glanced sideways at Phil and grinned.

Phil leant up slightly on the sofa, shuffled towards Dan and lifted his arm up. Dan moved to lean on Phil who then settled his arm back down over Dan.

‘Maybe we should buy some extra lights and stuff,’ Dan wondered out loud.

Phil thought for a moment before replying, ‘But then we’d have lights all over the house. I don’t know if I could handle having them everywhere… I mean, we’ve still got to actually live here.’

Dan sighed and continued to stare out in front of him. ‘But not for much longer potentially? Have you heard back from the estate agents?’

‘No, not yet. I called them yesterday and the lady said they were still giving viewings… she said that if we wanted it we’d have to put in an offer very soon.’

Dan sighed again, then rolled his body further into Phil’s side, nuzzling his head into the black cotton of Phil’s jacket. ‘Eerghhhh. I dunno, Phil… did you talk to you mum about it yesterday?’

‘Yeh. She said that we should take time to really look around for places… which makes sense.’

‘Yeh,’ Dan said. He had loved the house, but Dan suspected that the main reason he loved it was just the excitement of buying a place together. It had been lovely, but Dan now thought that the excitement of really talking about that stuff and getting a glimpse of their future together was the best part of the house viewing, rather than the house itself.

‘Maybe we should hold it off for a bit? I mean, we’re kind of busy with all these videos right now,’ Phil said hesitantly.

‘Yeh, and whose great idea was that,’ Dan responded haughtily, although Phil could hear the smile in his voice.

‘Hey! You’re finding this kind of fun really,’ Phil quickly shot back.

‘Eergh, yeh. I suppose. But after this dance game and then carrying all the stuff back up the stairs I bet you’ll think differently.’

‘Dan. It’ll be fine.’ Phil laughed. After a pause he said, ‘Right. Well we should probably start filming this video. Unless you’re planning on doing some sky-diving right now?’

Dan twisted round to glare at Phil who was biting back a grin. ‘Oi! Is that a dig at my jumper?’

‘No.’ Phil said through pursed lips as he taunted Dan by pointedly looking up and down the badly draped garment he was wearing.

Dan pouted and stood up, grabbed a nearby sofa cushion and playfully chucked it at Phil who failed at batting it away in time. ‘Right. Come on then. You ready to get your ass kicked?’

‘Try me, mate!’ Phil teased, getting up off the sofa and proceeding to dab.

Dan stepped towards Phil, pointed his finger in his face and light-heartedly warned him, ‘If you dare do that in the video, I will end you.’

Phil giggled as Dan glared at him, before turning around to set up the camera.

 *                            *                            *

When they had finished filming the video, Dan turned off the camera, and they both decided to watch a few episodes of Planet Earth before struggling to put all the lights back upstairs in the gaming room.

After heaving the equipment back over the house, they both went to the kitchen to cook some food. Dan found some pasta, some Quorn mince-meat, and some pasta sauce and started to go about preparing dinner.

It was dark outside. The yellowy-haze of the city night sprawled over the city outside the window. The low hum of traffic persisted outside, intermittently shaken by the loud woosh of a bus passing. Phil leaned against the fridge, staring at Dan’s hands which gently placed the pasta in a saucepan and then opening the Quorn package. Phil had always found Dan’s hands mesmerising. He wasn’t sure if this was because he found his own movements so clumsy, or whether he associated Dan’s hands with the sound of him playing piano whilst Phil worked in another room. Phil always loved hearing Dan learning pieces on the piano whilst Phil worked in silence from another room in the house. He would normally stop working and tune into the melody which would float through the hallway and rooms. The music always sounded beautiful no matter how imperfect Dan’s musical abilities were. The out of tune piano keys would create a sound that was wonderful simply because it reminded Phil that Dan was in another room, that his presence was everywhere, that even though they were rooms apart the space around Phil was still full with Dan’s presence.

Phil’s mind drifted from memories of Dan playing the piano to the other things Phil remembered about the way Dan’s hands moved. How they explored his body when they first started seeing each other, how over time his grasps became more fervent, how sometimes they traced over his skin with such intimate knowledge that it might as well be Dan’s own skin, how his fingers would delicately move in circles over Phil’s shoulder when they were watching tv…

‘Am I doing something wrong?’ Dan said, interrupting Phil’s thoughts.

Phil now looked at Dan who had stopped preparing the dinner and was now staring across at Phil.

‘Huh?’ Phil relied, still half consumed by his own interior thoughts.

‘You’re staring at me like I’m preparing it wrong?’ Dan replied.

‘What?’ Phil said, blinking a few times in the hope that would refocus his attention to the present.

‘THE FOOD, PHIL. Am I doing something the wrong way or are you literally just staring at me for no reason?’ Dan said more insistently, glancing between Phil and the ingredients he had placed in the frying pan, still trying to work out if he’d missed a step in the preparation.

Phil finally realised what Dan was saying and chuckled. ‘Oh. No… I’m just staring at you,’ Phil softly replied with a smile.

Dan huffed, and returned his eyes to the frying pan, and picked up a wooden spoon to stir the food around. Though he sounded exasperated, Phil could see him smiling to himself.

‘So…’ Phil said, ‘I was looking through my video files and found that video we made.’

‘Which one?’ Dan responded absentmindedly.

Phil paused for a while before he continued. ‘The one where we were going to tell people… about us.’

‘Mmmhmmm… OK,’ Dan replied, not very sure of what else to say.

Phil readjusted how he was leaning, and stuffed his hands in his pockets. ‘It was… I dunno… weird watching it… I couldn’t really… connect with how I felt then.’

Dan looked over at Phil for a moment before returning his eyes to the frying pan. ‘You were in a different headspace then. It’s understandable. Maybe you should just delete it if you don’t want to come across it again?’ Dan said, looking up again and smiling at Phil.

‘Yeh… But, maybe we need to think about that stuff again… if we’re going to move to another place?’ Phil continued hesitantly.

‘What, like, make another video?’ Dan said, frowning slightly.

‘No. No,’ Phil responded quickly. ‘I mean… will we need to address that stuff properly? And I still feel as though I need to get out of this house more… but, I dunno…’ Phil’s words trailed off as he realised he didn’t really know what the point was that he was trying to get at.

Dan gave the Quorn a final stir before turning the hob on low, then turned to face Phil.

‘I know what you’re saying. To be honest, ever since we had all those discussions last month and everything that happened, I’ve been thinking about it too. And not just because of the house. Like… I also want to go out more and do more and I know that the more we’re seen essentially going on dates that our relationship will be more… visible. But we don’t have to make some grand announcement. We don’t have to treat this in the same way that we do our YouTube or radio project. We’re not a project. Our life isn’t our YouTube channels, and we don’t have to make specific statements about it. We could just… I dunno… become more relaxed and just give less of a shit about editing out stuff from videos. And if we’re being honest, that’s kinda been the case with the recent gamingmass videos. Why don’t we just start to not give a fuck as much anymore?’

Phil looked down at the tiled kitchen floor in contemplation before saying, ‘And you’d be OK with that?’

Dan wiped his hands briefly on his black jeans and stepped towards Phil, placing a hand on Phil’s hip as he moved his face closer to him. Dan said softly, ‘Yes. I’m so completely fine with that. But… are you OK with that, Phil?’

Phil lifted his eyes from the ground to look at Dan, their faces close together. Phil exhaled slowly as the warmth of Dan swum around him. He knew what Dan was saying. It was himself who had the crisis about this a couple of months ago. It was him who felt as though he needed to make a clear step forward about this. It was him who had kept such a clear and defined line between his YouTube persona and who he really is. Dan had shared more of his personal thoughts online over the past few years than he had. Dan had been changing his YouTube persona more, and Phil had been far stricter with himself about what he did and didn’t say. In many respects Phil loved how separate AmazingPhil and himself were. But ever since they returned from tour the clear delineation was becoming more… suffocating… but perhaps that was the wrong word. It had always been less worrying to have such clear definitions between his true self and the person he was online, but this was becoming more and more complicated as he got older. When he was younger and Dan and him hadn’t been together for so long the rules he had in place to protect his privacy never really infringed upon his personal life. But now, the things keeping his personal life safe and secluded were the things harming it. He wanted to go on holiday just him and Dan and really not care about hiding it so intensely. He wanted to go on dinner dates and movie dates with Dan and not care if anyone saw. He wanted to do things and get out the flat and move house without caring what people will read into it. But for a while now he hadn’t felt as though he could do any of those things in case it broke down the walls that guarded his personal life from his audience. The walls of the fortress had been built so high that he could no longer properly see the sky.

Phil let all the thoughts settle in his mind as he gazed into Dan’s sultry brown eyes which looked like expensive swirling whisky in a crystal tumbler. ‘And you think we could just do that, just be more relaxed about it all without really saying anything?’ Phil said hesitantly.

Dan kissed him softly and replied. ‘It doesn’t always have to be all or nothing. Colours or black. Light or dark.’

Phil smiled and said sarcastically, ‘Says you.’

Dan laughed softly and moved back over to the oven and started to mix the Quorn in the pan once again before saying, ‘Well… maybe I was wrong.’

Phil observed Dan, taking in his smile and his un-straightened hair, his light grey jumper which Phil still hated, his soft expression which counteracted the black of his jeans. Phil moved towards Dan, stood behind him and placed a kiss on his neck. Dan tilted his head as Phil’s arms moved to hug him around his waist. They stood like that for a few minutes, Phil resting his head on Dan’s shoulder, Dan continuing to move the food around the pan, both of them in peaceful silence. Phil had stopped thinking about everything, he knew Dan was right and it would be good to start breaking down a few of the walls to let some light in. The only thing which seemed right to say in that moment was, after a calm sigh, to softly declare, ‘I love you.’


End file.
